Lately, I've told myself that I want a fresh start at life. I don't want to be the "depressed person" anymore. A few weeks ago, I vowed to myself that I would no longer talk or write about depression publicly, because I don't want anyone to think of that as part of my identity. This resolution has come with a price. I've felt conflicted because I don't want anyone to think they are alone in struggling with mental health and haven't known how to maintain that connection for people while also attempting to change how I am perceived. But then this happened, and I cannot bear to be silent about it, even though my writing about depression will still be much less frequent than in the past.
My heart is completely shredded reading articles about Lindsay Clancy, a woman who recently killed her 3 children and then attempted suicide but survived. She had postpartum psychosis. She was treated inpatient for a while and then was being treated outpatient 5 days a week while her husband worked from home as to not leave her alone. He left for a short time to pick up dinner for the family one evening and came home to his entire family being gone in an instant. It's gut wrenching to say the least. He has since spoken out saying that he has forgiven her and he has attempted to reassure anyone who didn't know her that she was so loving and cared deeply about her kids, but there was something very wrong inside her brain that took over her ability to think anywhere close to rationally. She was trying so hard to overcome this, but ultimately the very real chemical imbalance in her brain won. At some point she is going to wake up from where she's at mentally now and will have to come to terms with what she did. She will live the rest of her life in hell because she was mentally sick and did something without being able to think clearly about what it was she was doing.
Despite his beautiful words, so many people have criticized her harshly saying things like, "she's a monster," "how could anyone do that to their own kids?," or "she knew what she was doing and continued with it on purpose." My heart aches reading these words. These people clearly don't know what it is like to be in such a dark hole, backed into a tight corner, not sure how to escape and not being able to see that things can and will get better.
I suppose the reason this hits so close to home is because this is why we can't have anymore kids. The hormone doctor I met with at the hospital in 2021 adamantly warned that given my history and extreme reaction to hormone changes, my chance of developing postpartum psychosis is very high. We've taken extra precautions to make sure that there is no possibility I can get pregnant, and while there are times it breaks my heart that this is our reality, I read stories like this and think about how I can't let that possibly be me.
Please please PLEASE, I'm begging you, please find it in yourself to feel compassion for this mom. It doesn't make sense what happened, but I completely believe she didn't understand. She probably thought she was doing what was best for everyone and now her and her family's lives are forever changed. Please check on your postpartum friends. Please reach out if you are ever struggling. I will always be a safe place. You are so loved, needed, and wanted, and the light will always come again. I'm proof of that.
