No matter how much I know I shouldn't let myself go there, I have thought these three simple words countless times, and even vocally expressed them a few times.
It's true. It's not fair that being a wife and a mom is a difficult daily struggle for me, more than it ever needs to be. It's not fair that I have to work extra hard to find joy, to feel love, and to search for small rays of light in the midst of overpowering darkness. It's not fair that simple tasks make me feel completely overwhelmed and that what I have to offer is so much smaller than what I desire to give. It's not fair that every day brings a new set of challenges, often challenges that I feel completely unequipped to face. It's not fair that the will to live is a constant battle I must fight. It's simply not fair.
But I often ask myself, "What in this life is fair?" Is it fair that the people who have shared stories on this blog have lost children or spouses or parents or siblings? Is it fair that they have struggled to get pregnant with the child they've wished and dreamed for or that they lost their baby to miscarriage before ever getting to know anything about that precious child? Is it fair that people face insurmountable health challenges or that their children face health challenges that make daily living a daunting struggle?
No, nothing about this life is "fair."
Whenever I can tell that I am beginning to sink into the sorrows of my selfish nature, I think about the Savior. Was it fair that He was rejected, beaten, and crucified after living a sinless and selfless life of service and sacrifice? Is it fair that time and time again I make choices contrary to what I believe and temporarily turn away from the truest friend I'll ever have?
No, it's not fair to Him in any way. And yet, He is unwavering and unconditionally loving.
The more I ponder what makes something seem fair or unfair, the more I realize that we are each living lives of "unfairness." But I have learned that looking at things as being "unfair" is choosing to focus on the things I don't have, whereas finding JOY comes from choosing to focus on the things I do have. I may struggle with mental illness, but I have a very good marriage, my daughter is healthy, and all my needs are being provided for with more to spare. Surely, I have plenty of reasons to think that my life is fair and to find joy in those reasons.
Above all, I know that my challenges are unique to me, allowed by a God who knows all and sees all and only wants what is very best for me. And I can rest assured that all of the "unfair" things about this life will be made fair someday.