This week has been SO HARD! Every day, I have gotten up in the morning (thankfully I have had plans every morning this week) and tried to be somewhat productive, but by the time Brooklyn's nap time came around, I was completely exhausted and drained of motivation, so I laid in bed through her nap, put a movie on for her when she woke up, and continued laying in bed until Kyle got home from work. I didn't cry very much, and I didn't sleep very much either. I just laid flat on my back, unable to do anything else. Not only did I not have the energy or motivation to be productive, but it seemed like there was literally no point, and anything I could try to do was completely overwhelming anyway.
I felt like a terrible mom for allowing my daughter to watch movies instead of entertaining her myself; a failure of a wife for having my husband come home to find me in bed without my hair, the dishes, or the laundry done every day; and an awful person for not using my time to serve and reach out and bless others.
Then every evening, I would feel so sad and panicked that I had to wake up and face another day the next day. It seemed impossible, and I really did not know how I would keep any of the next day's commitments. I wanted to back out of everything and never get up to do anything again. I couldn't comprehend what it would be like to continue pushing on through such devastating emotions for even one more day.
But every time I would start the chain of thoughts that I couldn't do this anymore, that I couldn't face another day, let alone many, many more days after that, the simple phrase from "Lead, Kindly Light" would come to my mind: "One step enough for me." I had a feeling of comfort wash over me time and time again as I realized that I didn't have to see the "distant scene" or how I would do everything the next day and the days after that; I just had to see the one little step in front of me and take that step in faith.
And you know what? Every step I took, every little, tiny, minuscule step, was met with power and strength from the Savior. I wasn't walking alone. He was leading me, helping me, and strengthening me through the darkness to keep seeking the light, His light.
I'm still in my night, waiting for the sun to rise again in my world, but I am finding joy this week in trying to have enough faith to keep moving forward while only seeing how to take the one next step in front of me. And I am learning to recognize how God's power is blessing me each moment and giving me the assurance that He will continue to be there for me every day, every moment, until this night is gone.