A Jumble of Thoughts

Today was my third appointment with the counselor.  Last week, we left off talking about the possibility of this being a hormone imbalance instead of bipolar.  This week, we kept heading in that direction.  While my situation is complex because of an anatomic anomaly affecting my hormones, and I don't completely fit the criteria for PMDD, it seems that a hormone imbalance is much more probable than bipolar at this point.

This brings a whole slew of thoughts and feelings:

1. I'm beyond excited to think that this difficulty could have an end and that it could be coming very soon!  
2. I'm amazed at where this journey has taken me and thankful for the many people who have been placed in my life to get me to this point.
3. I honestly feel slightly uneasy and unsure about how to move forward.  This has been such a long time (almost 5 years since my last big bout of depression started), and it's hard knowing who I am without this heavy weight in my life.  That might sound weird that it makes me feel uneasy, but it has become such a big part of my life that I'm not sure what it will be like without it.
4. I feel really hopeful.  It may only be a matter of months before I can return to being the wife, mom, disciple, friend, and woman I want to be.  The light at the end of my dark tunnel is coming faster than I ever imagined possible.
5. I feel some guilt about possibly finding out what is causing all of this trouble and being able to get rid of it, when so many of the people I have met since starting this blog will have to continue battling, but I know that I will forever be an advocate for mental illness!
6. I hope that the treatment for this hormone imbalance will help and not hinder my ability to have another baby in the near future, as it is unsure at this point how the treatment options will affect my body or how long it will take to figure everything out.
7. I pray that this is really what is going on and that some treatment will work.  I can't imagine how hard it would be if I found out that things are different than they look at this point.
8. I feel joy.  Not just the joy that comes from seeing an end to this pain, but the joy that comes from knowing that I am a changed, different, stronger, hopefully better person because of these last several years and especially this last year.  I find joy in knowing that God's plan is perfect for me, even the plan that included a year of pain beyond anything I knew was possible, all so that I can someday become the best version of me possible.  This year has been God's gift to me "that I might have joy," true joy.

As of right now, things are still hard.  I still feel the gaping hole in my heart of depression followed by the deep pain of what I used to call "mania" (I'm not sure what to call it now).  Some days I wonder, even with this exciting new discovery, how it will be possible to get through some of the most painful days.  But I am moving forward and upward, constantly reminding myself to seek for the joy that is all around me and asking for encouragement and love when I need it.  I will not give up on finding joy in this journey.