As I'm sure many people have been able to tell, these last few weeks have been indescribably difficult and have honestly been the most painful weeks I have ever experienced. I've been working on writing a post about some of these experiences, but I'm still not sure if I'll ever be brave enough to share it.
One morning this last week, I was in the depths of darkness and truly did not know how I could handle anymore. The heaviness weighing on my heart felt like it was too much for any one person to bear, and I wondered every second how I could find enough strength to keep fighting, as my heart continued to plunge deeper and deeper into the sorrow of depression. I didn't know what to do, so I vulnerably sent a friend a message and asked her if it was all worth it, worth it to hold on and fight through so much struggle, only to have such short and fleeting moments of light and happiness. She reassured me that it is worth it, but I couldn't feel that then. It didn't seem like anything could ever feel worth it again for how awful I felt in that moment.
I immediately knew that it would take great amounts of faith to believe in future light this time. I was so weary, but I put whatever strength I had left in me toward waiting for and trusting in the one beautiful, tender moment when everything would feel worth it again.
I watched all around me for this miraculous moment to come, believing that it would come eventually. Things didn't improve right away and still nothing felt worth the pain, but there were small moments of joy along the way that strengthened my faith that my "worth it" moment was coming. There was the moment when my heart felt so broken, and then my baby boy lovingly snuggled his chubby cheeks into mine, and I knew that I had to get through this storm. There were a few moments when I was able to help someone else or make someone smile, and it brought a small feeling of purpose back to my life. There were the moments when I was supported and wrapped in love by so many wonderful people around me, some not even knowing the challenges I was facing, and I felt little evidences of God's love for me. There was the moment when I opened up to my husband and finally told him the extent of the darkness I had been facing, and my burden got lighter as I didn't have to carry it alone. All of these moments were beautiful, but they didn't take away the thought that the darkness was too all-consuming and that I didn't want to fight through it anymore.
And then today, my husband and I left our kids with a babysitter and went on a hike. The weather was absolutely perfect, the sky was the most beautiful blue, the sun was shining so brightly over the mountains, and we were able to talk and enjoy being together. We hiked and admired our surroundings and I loved that it was a good day. But nothing could prepare me for the view when we came around one bend. It was truly one of the most incredible vistas I had ever seen. As I looked out and tried to soak up this breathtaking view, my heart felt for the first time in a very long time that it was worth it to be there at that moment. It really was worth it. It finally felt worth it.
There will likely be many more battles of darkness in my life, and I will likely need to rely on the many good people around me who strengthen me when I am at my weakest, but one thing I know for sure-- it will ALWAYS be worth it to live and experience the times of light, no matter how short or fleeting they are. It will simply always be worth it.