Few people know the extent of anguish and suffering our family has endured in the last 3 months. There have been these awful fluctuations between almost daily panic attacks to suicidal lows, near constant crying for days at a time, extreme difficulty eating and sleeping, and pure desperation for a solution to our seemingly hopeless and discouraging situation. I couldn't care for my kids, and I practically lived at the crisis center, at times, just to get by.
On my birthday, we came back to the hospital for the third time in these long 3 months. We didn't know what else to do. We felt defeated. My situation was growing worse by the day, and no one seemed to know how to help. So many prayers had been offered on my behalf, but it felt we had been abandoned by God in our darkest hour.
I stayed a lonely night in the ER on my birthday waiting for a bed to open up in the psych unit. That night, I cried to God to please relieve my great pain that seemed could only be relieved by dying at that point and begged that I could somehow find the strength to stay just a little longer so that I could still be a wife to Kyle and a mom to Brooklyn and Garrett who I knew would be devastated to lose me.
Upon being admitted to the psych unit, the doctor I met with asked why I was there and what more I expected they could do for me. She seemed unconcerned about my explanation of the nightmare I was enduring and my desperate need for help. It was like a great big punch in my gut, when I already didn't know how I could bear this pain any longer.
And then a miracle occurred. A literal miraculous answer to SO MANY prayers. The next morning a woman named Charlotte walked into my room. This was the same doctor who I had met with at the hospital in 2019 who knew what was wrong and how to help me. She was the one who had diagnosed me with PMDD and had gotten me started on my path toward healing before.
I had asked, practically begged, to meet with her the last two times I was at the hospital but was informed that she no longer worked on that unit. But there she was, ready and eager to help me break free from my broken mind. She immediately stopped the birth control I had been put on the last time I was in the hospital, explaining that it was the worst possible birth control for my situation and would have caused the constant tears, increased anxiety and suicidal thoughts, and worsening condition all around. She began working her hormonal magic, and for the first time in so long, light began to dispel the thick darkness. My situation quickly improved, and I felt the extent of the miracle I was experiencing.
While few people know how much we have struggled, no one but us knows how much we have grown as a couple and as a family during this time. We have been stretched to our absolute limit, but we have seen the very hand of God working one step at a time to lead us to where we are now. There is lots of healing to be done, but we are finally on that path again. I'm so happy to be home and able to enjoy these snuggles again.
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