Lots of people have been asking me for an update on how I’m doing. The short answer is great. Really really great.
For the long answer, it’s going to be long but fascinating to anyone who likes medical stuff. There’s your warning.
The second time I went to the hospital, they put me on Zoloft (an SSRI anti-depressant) and a birth control called Yaz, which is the only birth control FDA-approved to treat PMDD and is very high in progesterone. I have been on progesterone cream, capsules, and shot before, and all of these have made things much worse. But they insisted that was what I needed, so I tried. I was desperate for anything to help, so I went along with it. I tried to be hopeful that something could still help me.
The week between hospital trip #2 and #3, things got MUCH worse. Not only was I incredibly anxious all the time, like I would wake up in a full-blown panic attack every morning and have that jumping out of my skin feeling last the entire day until I took a sleeping pill just to get to bed each night, but I also couldn’t stop crying, like I cried nearly all day every day and was so emotionally exhausted but still the tears kept coming. I laid in bed all week, barely able to eat without feeling incredibly sick and working so hard to get just enough calories to keep me alive while I had no appetite at all. Kyle stayed home to be with me because I could not be alone. Meanwhile my friend Casey watched my kids every single day, sometimes keeping them through the night. To say I was debilitated was an understatement, and each day got just a little worse than the day before, until I literally couldn’t survive this any longer.
We went back to the hospital, I met with the doctor who told me that I just had to be patient and wait for the Zoloft to work (while increasing the dose again) because there was nothing else they could do for me, and thought that was it. I also asked about my eyes. They had been super dilated, to the point that sometimes even in a bright room, there was hardly any color in my eye, just a huge pupil. I knew this was not normal, but she didn’t know why this was happening and explained that it was probably just a reaction to a medication.
The next day Charlotte came and immediately stopped the birth control I had been on. She knew that I didn’t react well to progesterone, based on the fact that I felt good emotionally during ovulation times (when there is a spike in estrogen) and during pregnancy. She explained that Yaz is the only birth control that is FDA-approved for PMDD, because they are the only ones that have tried for that approval, giving them a monopoly in treating PMDD. She gave me an estrogen pill to take that evening to see what would happen and how I would react to it. She suspected that my anxiety was coming from not enough estrogen. The next morning, I woke up with no anxiety. None. This had not happened in weeks, maybe months. She prescribed an estrogen-based birth control that I started that day. We are going to stay on this for 3 months at a time with only a 3 day break in between, and I will take an estrogen supplement in the days of placebo. This means that I won't really have those awful dips into depression when I take my break ever again.
I also told Charlotte about my dilated eyes and increased anxiety each time we raised the dose of Zoloft. She said that dilated pupils, as well as a reaction of anxiety to increases, is a sign of too much serotonin, and she suspected that I didn’t need the Zoloft at all. In fact, she explained how it was probably making things worse by causing my body to lower its dopamine levels (the pleasure hormone) to compensate for too much serotonin. I was hesitant to go off the Zoloft since I had finally reached the time when it should start to help, but I could tell that Charlotte knew what she was talking about, so I trusted her and went off. Things improved even more.
Side note: Charlotte is moving to Utah in just a couple of weeks, so the fact that I was able to meet with her before she leaves and will be able to continue working with her is incredible.
I’ll never forget the first meal when I ate everything because I was actually hungry again. I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t felt the sensation of hunger, let alone the desire to eat because something tasted good, in so long. It felt amazing.
I’ll also never forget the first time that I laughed. Something funny happened at the hospital, and I laughed about it. I couldn’t believe this either. The last time I was in the hospital, I had heard some nurses laughing and wondered how anyone could have the strength or desire to laugh. I didn’t think I would ever reach that point again, yet here I was, and it felt great seeing just how far I had come.
This week is the first week I’ve spent by myself taking care of my kids in months, and it feels so good to be able to be a mom again, something that I really wondered if I had lost forever.
I’m thankful for Casey taking care of my kids and loving on them for so long while I couldn’t do that myself. I’m thankful for Kyle and all the responsibilities he willingly picked up when I couldn’t do them. And forever I will be thankful for Charlotte, for her knowledge and years of expertise but also for her willingness to listen and to follow what my body needed. It’s all one big miracle, and I will never forget how it has felt to watch all of it unfold.
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