Trial of Faith

This scripture has been on my mind CONSTANTLY this week.  I guess you could say it's because this week has been a pretty intense trial of faith.  Things have been really hard, and I've felt completely submerged in darkness.  But the darkness has seemed darker and more painful because of the light I experienced first.

Last Sunday and half of the day Monday, I felt great!  So great that I created a very full schedule for myself, actually contacted people for visiting teaching, exercised, wrote love notes to Kyle, etc.  The best part of it all was the fact that I felt love for Kyle and Brooklyn.  I always know that I love them, but I very rarely get to feel it with all of this darkness.

I was so happy to feel some motivation and light in my life.  It was a comforting reminder that the real me isn't this person who battles darkness.  The real me is someone who loves life, loves her family, and wants to live a good life.  I can be the kind of wife and mom I want to be.  That woman is still in there.  The good feelings should have been a breath of fresh air...

But then the darkness came back with a fiery vengeance.  And instead of being thankful for having a good day and a half, I felt intense pain.  I questioned why all of this darkness exists in my life, why I can't just overcome it, and why every day seems to be a battle to want to keep going.  It didn't seem fair as I desperately yearned to feel love for my family again and to be my normal self.

And then I found this scripture.  You could say that it popped into my mind, and I felt drawn to look it up.  I realized that this week is a trial of faith.  I have to have faith in the love I have for my husband and daughter, even when I can't see or feel it.  I have to hope that this will get better and that there is a reason to keep fighting, even though I don't know how it will all work out.  I have to have the firm faith that joy is possible regardless of my circumstances, even when I struggle feeling anything beyond sadness.  I must have faith that God is pleased with me, even though I can't feel the Spirit and my heart feels nothing but guilt and shame.  And I have to rely on the faith that my husband and daughter really do love me, even though my mind tries to tell me that they deserve better than what I offer.
Someday, I will receive the witness of all of these things.  Someday, I'll get to feel love again, and it will fill the empty places in my heart that feel nothing in the present.  Someday, I will overcome this excruciating war, and I will see the most brilliant light I can comprehend.  Someday, I'll feel all things good and uplifting and joyful.

And for now, I can be content with having faith in my somedays.

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