That We Might Have Joy: El'ayne's Story

I have always wanted to be a mother. I wasn’t one to play with dolls very much or anything, but I always did want to be a mom. When I met my husband and we decided to get married, we didn’t even bother to try any kind of birth control, even though he was still getting his bachelor’s, and we were struggling for money. We just always believed that God would provide what we needed for our little ones, whenever they came.

It took longer than I expected to get pregnant, although it wasn’t a full year. We were ecstatic and anticipated having a baby in early December 2014, but it wasn’t meant to be. We lost the baby at ten weeks, which seems to be later than most miscarry. This was a terrifying experience for me and Jacob. Not only was it an emotional upheaval, but it was physically excruciating as well. We went to the hospital to confirm that I had had a miscarriage and stayed there for about four hours so that we could be monitored. The pain medications they gave me just made me throw up, so there was nothing the nurses could do. I just remember feeling the death of my unborn child keenly, like a sharp knife to the heart over and over with every contraction. My husband was upset at our loss, but he was more worried about me than anything else. 

I had no idea how mentally and emotionally taxing losing a baby could be. When my sister lost one, I really had no real understanding of what she had gone through. Now I did through my own experience. It was a hard trial to go through. I feel the pain of it still from time to time. I still remember the day that child would have been born. I still wonder if it would have been a girl or a boy.

However, I saw some blessings come from this as well. Jacob and I grew closer. We realized more fully how much we meant to each other. Also, I met several women who were struggling from their own miscarriages but didn’t know anyone who had ever had one. I was a friend to them, and we were able to help each other overcome the grief. I started to see the "why" to my loss, and it helped in my healing process. 

Three months later, I was pregnant again, and I was able to carry my son Indigo to full term. Since then, he has literally been both the greatest joy and the greatest anguish of our lives, as any parent can tell you. When he was about 18 months, we were pregnant again. And at 11 weeks, we lost another precious baby.

We had woken up very early in the morning to care for our son, and I used the restroom. I discovered that I was covered in blood and I knew from experience what it was. I cleaned up, numbly grabbed some pads, and went back to bed to wait for Jacob and the onset of contractions to start. In that dark, solitary moment, I reached out to God in my heart. I felt very clearly an impression that God loves me, that this was not my fault, and that there wasn’t anything that I could do. I suddenly had a surge of gratitude in my heart for the time that I was able to carry this child. I was just grateful to be this child’s mother and that he or she is part of our family. Now I have two little ones in heaven, and I am honored to have them in my life. 

When I told Jacob, he took it much harder than the first time. We now knew what happiness one child could bring and had high hopes for this pregnancy that had lasted longer than the first miscarriage. I had already been comforted for the time being, so I could comfort my husband. In the following days, I would feel the loss and cry myself to sleep, but the initial answer to my prayer stayed with me. In the most difficult of times, Heavenly Father would place special people in my path who were able to give me the warm embrace, kind advice, and comforting smile I needed.

There are a lot of difficult aspects to experiencing a miscarriage, but it is normal and okay to feel like you have lost a loved one. You may even experience postpartum depression. The important thing to remember is that all experience is for our good, even if you can’t see it at the time, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. I know that my miscarriages have helped me to come closer to my spouse and my Father in Heaven. I have grown as a woman and progressed more as a mother. I appreciate my son more, because I have had to pleasure of seeing his face, holding him in my arms, and watching him grow up. I may miscarry again, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t find joy even in that. I rely upon my testimony of a living Savior, who died and then rose on the third day. Through Him, I will rise, and so will my husband and our children. In this I find my greatest comfort. If I can always have that eternal perspective in mind, I know that I can overcome anything.

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