I sat in church with an aching heart, and it seemed as though the aching grew with each passing moment. I wanted more than anything to tell someone of the intensity inside my broken heart or to give up, but I couldn't bring myself to do either, so I just sat and wished with all my heart that I could make it through these few difficult hours.
At one point, I looked around the room and tried to think of someone I could talk to, someone I could tell about the awful, painful feelings in my heart. I thought of several people, but I couldn't think of what to say. I mean, how do you start the conversation of telling someone that your deepest desire is to give up, to be done with all of this pain and heartache and dreadful fear and loneliness? You can't. There aren't words for it. So I stayed silent.
It became excruciating. I really don't know how I held it together. I wanted to scream out in pain that what I was feeling should never be a feeling someone should have to endure. I wanted to pull someone close to me and break down into sobs in their arms. I wanted to run away and hope that running away would somehow allow me to outrun these problems. But I continued sitting, bottling up the intensity that felt like it was burning me from the inside out.
The lesson in Relief Society was all about the Savior, and I could hardly focus on it. I was just in such an awful place and overloaded with darkness that I couldn't feel anything good or happy or spiritual. I was sinking, slipping deeper and deeper into this hole that I was already trapped in. It didn't seem like there would be any way out.
I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything that could pull me up just a little bit, anything that could help me remember what it is like to see light and feel goodness in my life. I was holding on, grasping firmly to a figurative rope of light and hope and future happiness, hoping that my grip was strong enough to keep holding until the extreme intensity passed.
Then the teacher asked us to ponder what our life would be like without the Savior, and I lost it. Every emotion that I had been trying to hold inside of me for the last three hours came out following one single question. What if I didn't have the Savior?
Well, I wouldn't have the companionship of the only person who can truly understand what I feel in my lonely, agonizing moments of darkness. I wouldn't have someone who loves me perfectly, even when I wish that I could give up on everything and never have to endure such difficult things. I wouldn't feel His strength in my life, when I do not know how it is possible to go on. I wouldn't have any hope for a bright future or for days of light to come. I wouldn't feel His warm, loving embrace that allows me to take just one more step forward.
My whole life would be different, but especially the experiences of the last 6 months (I can't believe it's been that long!) I never could have kept going. I never could have received the comfort, miracles, blessings, and strength I have received, without the Savior.
I keep these two quotes in my phone and think of them often. I love the promises they offer, that through the Savior, I can do everything that God has given me to do in my life's mission. The darkness will not be able to conquer me, because I will always have Christ with me to break through my darkness with glorious light. I know that is true, and this knowledge is what allows me to get through the days like today.