Gratitude in Deep Pain

I never knew it was possible for a heart to feel so much pain and keep beating.  The amount of emotional pain I feel at this time is beyond anything I knew possible, and I feel completely incapable of knowing how to handle and endure such heartache.  The uncomfortable truth is that I'm needing to spend the week constantly with others to keep myself safe.  Apparently clomid and bipolar are a nasty mix, so I'm still struggling as much, if not more, than last week.

Today, a dear friend gave a talk in sacrament meeting about gratitude.  As I laid my head on Kyle's shoulder and listened, my heart was breaking more and more every second.  I didn't know how I could endure any more, let alone find gratitude. But then she read this quote:

My heart wanted to believe that I am excused from finding gratitude right now.  I mean, surely spending every moment trying to survive this incomprehensible pain is a good enough reason to not have to be thankful in this circumstance.  But I knew better than to believe my sorrowful heart.  Surely, I need gratitude more now than ever before as I fight for my life every moment.

So after trying to justify to myself my lack of gratitude in my current situation, I decided to change my heart and open my eyes to the many blessings all around me, even through this incredibly difficult time.

I felt so thankful for my sweet friend who stayed outside the temple with me, when I went on the Relief Society temple trip and didn't realize my recommend was expired until I got to the gates of the temple.  I can't imagine how I would have handled being alone for two hours in Nauvoo in my current condition, and this friend willingly sacrificed her uplifting temple experience to be with me.

I felt overwhelming gratitude for my wonderful friend who has both listened and born my pain with me this weekend and is helping me set up people to be with me this week.  Her ability to love and care and serve is inspiring.

I felt thankful for the people who took over my assignments at church today, because I just knew that my broken brain couldn't handle anything more than breathing and surviving for 3 hours.

I felt gratitude for the many people who have reached out in love and concern the last few days.  I wish more than anything that this didn't have to be real, but to know that I'm not alone through this nightmare is enough to bring me to tears.

I felt thankful for my husband and another man who gave me a blessing of peace, comfort, and eventual healing.  The promises spoken to me from God through these worthy men gave me strength and hope.

I felt overflowing gratitude for the Savior, who willingly suffered a pain that transcends anything I can comprehend, all so He can sit with me in my dark Gethsemane right now.

I could go on and on.  I never would have thought to look for gratitude at this time without the humble and inspiring talk given by one of the most beautiful people I know.  This week will most likely stretch my soul and cause great growing pains, but I am on a quest to find things to be thankful for as I continue to battle and win this fight.