This is a letter I wrote to myself a while back that helps me to remember all the important things when I am struggling. I thought maybe it could help someone else too. Things are definitely on the upward trend and I'm so thankful, but there are still some days that are hard. It takes 3 months for my brain and ovaries to connect with each other and for my ovaries to shut down their hormone production, so until then, I keep reading my letter and knowing that better days are always in the future, even if the present is harder some days than others. If you are struggling, keep fighting! The light always comes again! You can do it!
Dear Depressed/Anxious Shantelle,
I am writing this letter to help you remember all the things depression and anxiety attempt to steal away from you when they overpower your mind and heart. I know you probably think this is all a lie and that you've never really felt these good things before, but I promise you that you have. No, life isn’t perfect on medicine, but it’s definitely better than you can remember at this moment. I do know that. And you will get back there again. I know that too.
Remember how when you feel well, you often catch yourself smiling for no reason, just because you are happy and content with life. I know smiling is painful and forced for you now, but it’s won’t always be that way. You’ll get there again, and it will feel so good the first time your real smile comes out without you noticing or trying.
Remember how you used to lay on your back at night and purposely take a deep breath just to feel how it didn’t hurt or feel heavy or feel like a struggle. I know you feel pain with every single breath right now and that is a constant reminder that you are alive and enduring unbearable anguish, but it won’t always be this way either. Someday you will breathe relief as the heavy darkness lifts and as you remember, once again, how good life can be.
Remember that you don’t really want to die. You want relief and an escape from the excruciating pain, but you don’t really want to die. That relief will come in choosing life and enduring just a little bit longer. You will always be glad eventually that you held on and didn’t give in.
Remember that you don’t have to fight through this alone. ASK FOR HELP! Tell someone you trust how you are feeling and what you are thinking. You are loved and needed here, and people want to help you. Just like you would drop anything or would do anything you could for someone else, there are people willing to do that for you. I know it’s hard, especially when your brain tells you that you are not worth anyone’s love or time or that all you do is burden others with your darkness, but don’t believe those lies. There are people who love you and will do what they can to ease your current heavy burdens until you can get back to easing the burdens of others. You literally can’t get through this on your own. Let someone save you!
Remember your husband and kids and how much they need you. Kyle needs you as his companion and Brooklyn and Garrett need you as their mom. They would be devastated without you. Stay for them. Think of how Brooklyn’s face lights up when she wants to tell you something or how Garrett loves to snuggle in close until his whole body melts into yours or how Kyle always says that he just likes being with you, even if you aren't doing anything in particular besides being together. I know you think you are failing them and that they need someone better, but please hold on for them. Their lives would NEVER be the same without you.
If you really need more to live for, think of all the yarn you have that is waiting to become something that only you can create. Think of all the pictures of beauty yet to be captured. Think of the breathtaking mountain views, the vibrant sunsets, the perfectly delicate flowers, the mouthwatering garden-fresh produce, etc. that you would never get to experience. Think of all of that, take a deep breath, and hold on. Someday you'll be glad you did.
Remember how sweet life feels when the depression and anxiety finally wash away, how the light and peace always feel more precious following the dark, and how thankful you feel every time you realize that you won again. I know it’s so hard. My heart physically aches for you right now, because there aren’t words to make it all better, and I know that, but please try to remember and hold on. You are loved. You are needed. You are not alone. The light will come again. You can heal. You haven’t gone too far, because you’re still here. Keep breathing. Keep hoping. Keep relying on others. You can do this. I promise.
Love,
Happy Shantelle
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