Testosterone

Shortly after getting pregnant with this sweet boy, I started to feel really well emotionally. It felt like something literally shifted in my body, and consequently, the things that were once so hard to accomplish every day (getting out of bed, doing dishes, taking care of Brooklyn, eating, etc.) were no longer difficult. I suddenly wanted to be productive, I had energy, I could do so much more than just survive every day, and it was beyond incredible. It had been such a long year before that, so finding relief was such a blessing.

Shortly after delivering Garrett, the depression returned, we moved, and my whole world seemingly crumbled beneath me. I kept plummeting down lower and lower and lower with no end or hope of relief in sight. Thankfully, I made a really good friend in this new place who cared about me enough to help me get in to the most amazing and caring doctor I've ever had, and I had a reason to find hope once again.

At first, he wanted to try medication again, but after my body failed to respond to several medications, he knew that we needed to go a different route. We did a hormone test, and as he predicted, my testosterone came back abnormal. He thought this would be the case, since I was fine while being pregnant with my baby boy, and being pregnant with a boy releases small amounts of testosterone into the mother's body.

His plan was to give me a very small supplement of testosterone, and we were all hopeful that things would improve soon. Unfortunately, we had a setback to this plan and weren't able to start testosterone right away. I was devastated and so disappointed at first, but I kept holding on through the help of my amazing family and friends.

Then, Kyle had the brilliant idea to see if there were any natural ways to boost testosterone in the meantime. One of them we found online was pomegranate juice. I was pretty skeptical, especially because the depression had been so severe that it seemed like something so simple couldn't make much of a difference. I started drinking a glass of pomegranate juice every day about two weeks ago, and I have seen a very noticeable improvement in how I've been feeling in the last week. I also started exercising more regularly at this same time, and the weather got much nicer, so I'm not positive exactly what is making me feel better, but either way, I'm so thankful.

We're still moving forward with trying to figure out medically why my body is struggling to produce enough testosterone, so hopefully we can find answers and more permanent solutions soon, but until then, I am so so so thankful that we are finally getting somewhere and thankful for this little miracle boy who might be the very key to figuring everything out.

Mania!

Oh mania... It's my favorite place to be, and it's been here for 5 days now. That is super long for me and is very welcomed after such a long and deep low this last time. It's such an interesting feeling, like I've finally figured out the secret to conquering depression, like I have the power to make sure I never get back to that dark place again, like surely this high is here to stay forever now. This happens every time, and it always makes the inevitable crash back into depression very difficult to handle. But I enjoy it while it lasts and hope that it stays as long as possible! 

Disappointing News

Last Friday, I got a text from my doctor with some bad news. We weren’t going to be able to move forward with the treatment we were planning to try, because the specialist he had consulted advised him not to. Immediately when I read this message, my eyes began to fill with tears. I hurried to my closet to hide away from Brooklyn, when all the strength left my body, and I fell to my knees in broken sobs. My heart hurt with such intensity that I could only gasp for air between the bursts of tears that seemed to overcome me. It felt like every last bit of hope I had in me washed away with each warm tear that streamed down my face. I didn’t think I would be able to find the strength to get up or stop crying ever again. I called my husband and messaged a few close friends to share my devastation. There was nothing they could say to make it better, but I felt love as they mourned with me in my moment of great hurt. I continued crying as I wished that my husband could be there to wrap me in his loving arms.

And then something so beautiful happened. My snuggly baby boy army crawled to my closet to find me. When he had finally made his way to me, he reached up for me, and I picked him up. He then laid his head on me and stayed there looking up at me and saying, “Aww” for the next 20 minutes! I didn’t immediately feel better, and I’m pretty sure I soaked his cute blonde hair with my tears that continued to fall, but I did feel the immediate goodness of God through this sweet boy as he wrapped my broken heart in love. It was such a tender moment, one that I will never forget, and one that will forever remind me that God knows me and is so mindful of me.

We do have a plan moving forward, so we will continue on this journey hoping and trusting in better days to come. It’s hard knowing that this struggle isn’t over yet, and I do have some anxiety about the days ahead, but I know that there will always be miracles to accompany the most difficult days, just as there have been SO MANY miracles in the past.

Feeling Hope

Things have suddenly taken a turn for the better for me emotionally, and I am so thankful. On April 27th, I reached the lowest I have ever reached before. I had no hope left in me. I felt broken beyond repair. I thought healing was beyond reach for me. I thought there was no reason to go on. And for the first time, I really could have been gone. It seemed like nothing could help me stay. Thankfully, I found the last of the strength I had in me to reach out for help, someone responded to my urgent plea, and I didn’t act on the feelings and thoughts that were so pressing at the time. After this traumatic, scary experience though, I decided that I needed a break from medicine for a while. Since my medications weren’t helping at all and were only making things worse, I decided with my doctor to stop taking them for the time being. I’m open to trying again in the future if we think that is necessary, but for now, I’m taking a much needed break. At the same time, my doctor discovered something that he thinks is the cause for all of this emotional turmoil. We’re still in the process of beginning a new, quite unconventional treatment option, so I won’t share the details until we see if it works 🤞🤞🤞 but just knowing that this might help me, that I might get better, that my heart has a chance to heal, has brought so much hope into my world. I still cry. I still struggle with getting overwhelmed by small tasks. I still have daily thoughts of dying. I know I still have a looooong way to go to heal from these years of struggle, but for the first time in a very long time, I have a tangible feeling of hope for a bright future ahead for my life. It’s finally my own feeling, not just me trusting in the hope that others have for me. It brings immediate tears to my eyes to think of all the people who have been there for me along this wild ride and who have saved me when the darkness seemed all-consuming and was literally impossible to fight on my own. My life is forever changed by the Christ-like ministering and love I have seen through my darkest days.

Mental Health Awareness Month

Supposedly, this month is Mental Health Awareness Month, but I feel completely unqualified to say anything about it. I guess it's because I feel like I don't know anything about mental HEALTH anymore, only mental ILLNESS with my brain being so sick right now. 😜 This last weekend, I experienced a level of darkness that has left me scarred, wounded, and changed forever. It hurts that there is something so powerful and so painful that it has changed me in such a drastic way. Thanks to my incredible husband, wonderful friends, supportive church leaders, and an amazing doctor, I'm holding onto a few things they have repeated to me during this difficult time that give me glimmers of hope. While I don't feel these things for myself yet (which makes me feel raw, vulnerable, and slightly hypocritical sharing them), I can trust that they are true, because I trust that the people who say they love me or care about me really do.

1. My life is never too broken to heal.
2. Asking for help is not weak. In fact, it's one of the strongest things I can do.
3. I am not defined by my lowest points.
4. I may never be the same again after what I've experienced. But isn't that the point of the struggles we face-- to change us, to open our hearts, to give us new compassionate perspectives, and to show us how to help others?
5. I don't have to escape if I can heal, and I CAN heal.
6. It's okay to not feel hope for myself at the moment but to trust in the hope that others see and feel for my future.