Update

 A lot of people have been asking me for an update on how I’m doing.  It’s too much to tell everyone individually, so here it is in a nutshell.  This is the best I could do to condense it.

After decreasing the medication again that I am trying to wean off of, I began to experience this terribly uncomfortable feeling of having a huge lump in my throat.  This had happened in the past and lasted for a very long time, I went to an ENT for it before, he couldn’t see anything wrong, nothing he suggested helped long-term, sometimes would be worse than other times, but I finally resolved to just deal with it as it seemed there was no other option.  But when things came crashing down last summer, I couldn’t handle this anymore, along with other pains I had been enduring with no solution for any of them (I tried 2 places of physical therapy, 3 chiropractors, massage, etc. with no improvement).  All of these symptoms finally got better when I went on some anxiety medication in the hospital, and I thought they were gone forever.  But when the throat issue came back again, this time was far worse.  I felt like I was choking, like I couldn’t breathe, like I could hardly swallow.  As a result, my anxiety soared through the roof, and this caused great depression.  I literally cried all the time.  I could hardly get out of bed.  I didn’t know how I could handle having this happen again and possibly lasting for a very long time with no ability to relieve it.  I went to an ENT again, he prescribed an antibiotic, and I went on my way desperately hoping it would help.  The days that followed, things did not improve and seemed to only get worse.  Then, other muscles in my body began to tense up and cause pain again, and my anxiety continued to increase.  I felt in my heart that the antibiotic was not going to do anything to relieve this problem and had a strong hunch that it was anxiety-related, so Kyle and I made the difficult decision to go back up on the anxiety medicine.  It was frustrating to take that step back, but within a day, the symptoms in my throat started to improve drastically, as well as the other pain and tightness in my body.  There were other triggers that seemed to contribute to this storm of anxiety, causing it to continually grow worse until it was getting out of control, so we had to do what we could to help me reach a stable place again.

I met with my primary care doctor a couple of days ago, and we decided to try a very low dose anxiety and depression medication on top of what I’m already taking to see if that will relieve some of my anxiety and depression as I try to go off the medication again in the future.  

I am still depressed.  I still cry a fair bit, I feel very tired, I spend more time in bed or on my phone than I would like, I’m hardly productive at all, I get very easily overwhelmed, and I feel down on myself nearly every day, but I think my body is still trying to regulate from what happened.  I picked up my crochet hook again a few days ago after so many weeks of not being able to, so I know things are getting a little better.  I’ve had to say no a lot lately and do what I need to take stress out of my life the best I can, but I’m learning that’s okay.  I always knew that this was a marathon, not a sprint.  I just wish we could consistently take steps forward instead of ever taking steps back.  I'm desperately hoping things will get better soon, so I can make this a fun summer for my kids.

Hard Time

 This week has been indescribably hard. Last Saturday, I began to experience some symptoms that are irritating, uncomfortable, and very anxiety-provoking for me, symptoms that I had previously experienced and sought every form of help I could think of with no relief, symptoms that contributed to my breaking point last summer because I just couldn't handle the pain and discomfort any longer without knowing how to make it better. These symptoms went away for a while and just suddenly and randomly came back. I've spent so much of my week in bed with Garrett by my side, watching movies or playing dumb word games on my phone to distract myself. I've cried more times than I can count. I feel physically sick from all the stress. I've struggled eating again and have lost a few pounds already. I've had no desire to do anything, including my hobbies. Kyle has called several times each day just to check on how I'm doing. We clean together as a family before the kids go to bed every night because it's too overwhelming for me to do any of it during the day. Kyle and I spend our mornings and evenings together talking while I cry about my fears and pain. I've had to ask for help or back out of certain responsibilities because I'm not capable of doing them at the moment.

I'm frustrated. I'm scared. I'm overwhelmed. I'm seeking help but not feeling hope that it will really do anything. I'm trying to keep my anxiety at bay the best I can until we can figure out what we are going to do about all of this. 

But most of all, I'm continuing on with the help of so many people who help me bear these heavy burdens so that I don't have to do it alone.

Learning

Things I am sloooowly learning or trying to learn:

How everyone can have a place in the church of Jesus Christ, even when they are broken or weary or have so many unanswered questions about why things happen in life the way they do, and also that there isn't some certain mold to fit into to belong.

How part of praying is accepting God's will, even if that includes enduring literally unbearable pain instead of Him taking it away, and how sometimes God's answers to prayers come through other people helping to make the pain more bearable.

How one desperate, seemingly unanswered prayer last summer doesn't cancel out all of the other many answered prayers.

How my effort really is enough, even though it looks far different now from how it used to.

How to love myself completely, even who I am now compared to who I thought I would be and how my life would be at this point, even as someone who is trying to heal and very slowly making progress, even who I am compared to others who seem far greater and more impactful in the world.

How to work with Kyle to do certain things together that are too hard or overwhelming for me to do on my own and how to figure things out together. Our many late night and early morning talks are paying off in helping me piece together in my mind the things that confuse and repeatedly hurt me.

How trauma is very real and heavily influences so many parts of my life right now but that it can be overcome in time through advances in therapy techniques and significant hard work and pain on my part when I am ready.

How to trust that, in time, Jesus Christ really can bind up broken hearts, not just other people's but mine.

I'm thankful for Kyle, my kids, my close friends, my amazing counselor, many church leaders, and others who offer their time, support, love, and lack of judgment during such a difficult time of trying to make sense of things that simply don't make sense. I cry a lot right now because so many things hurt in ways that I can't explain so that others can understand, but I'm trying to smile through the tears and keep hoping that my heart won't always hurt this bad.