Trauma

 Ever since July 16th, I have been living in this easily triggered state of the frequent "this time last year" trauma. Sometimes I could predict when it would come and other times it has caught me completely off guard. That is almost over for this year, and my counselor reassures me that it will be somewhat easier next year and continue getting easier as the years go by.

But this week is the worst of it. Last October 30th, I got home from my second and longest hospital stay, 2 1/2 weeks. But when I got home, not only were things not better, they were far worse! Kyle took the whole next week off work and my wonderful friend took my kids for the entire week while I literally just tried to survive. Kyle and I had some very special experiences together that week that I hold close to my heart, but ultimately he was there to save me. No one can comprehend what those days were like for me or him. We were living a pure hellish nightmare. I didn't know if or how things could ever get better from there.

On my birthday last year, November 4th, he took me to the hospital one last time. I stayed a long, lonely, tear-filled night in the ER waiting for a bed to open up. November 5th, I was officially admitted. When I met with the doctor that day, she asked why I was back and what I expected they could do for me. And then November 6th, things began to change in miraculous ways until I was ready to go home on November 11th and start picking up my broken pieces and trying to live life again.

I'm riding the wave that this week might be, but there's a difference this time. There's a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I've almost done it, friends. One year down, and hopefully it will keep getting easier from here.

Beautiful Progress

 When I started writing on social media about my struggles with mental health, I told myself that I would share all sides of it. The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the triumphs and the setbacks.

Last night was both beautiful and triumphant. 

For the last several years, I have had pretty bad separation anxiety being away from Kyle Avery. I know people hear "separation anxiety" and think of babies or little kids, but it's not limited to that. You see, Kyle is my constant. He knows me better than anyone else. He knows what to do or say when I am struggling. We spend so many evenings and mornings talking about how I'm feeling and working through the process of overcoming these hurdles placed before us together. He has missed out on several opportunities in the last few years, because he knew I couldn't handle having him gone. But I've wanted to change this. I don't want us to live this way forever.

So we came up with some plans, some little baby steps we could take to overcome this huge hurdle. 

One of our ideas was for him to sleep with Garrett in the backyard, so we could be apart but still very close. That ended up being swapped when Brooklyn wanted to camp with me in the backyard. Although we had to come in early because of the weather, I still felt an increase in confidence, because I fell asleep without having anxiety.

The next step was me staying in a local hotel with Brooklyn for a night. For a while, I've been pretty scared about doing this, but since I've been doing well for the last little while, we thought maybe it was time.

Yesterday, Kyle explained to Brooklyn why we were doing this and that it was okay if we needed to come home early. She understood, so we headed out. First, we swam in the hotel pool as a family, went out to eat for dinner, and then Brooklyn and I went back to the hotel while Kyle and Garrett went home. Brooklyn swam a little more, we watched a movie together while I crocheted, and then we read until we were tired and ready to sleep. We called Kyle to say goodnight and then Brooklyn wanted to snuggle my arm to fall asleep. I fell asleep quickly without any anxiety.

This morning, I woke up early (5:30am) as I often do. I was scared for weeks leading up to doing a hotel stay that waking up early would be terrifying without Kyle there in case I wasn't okay, but I ended up being fine with only a little bit of anxiety. I still prefer having Kyle there, morning breath and all 😉😂 but I was happy to not have any big anxiety. 

When Brooklyn woke up, we got some hotel breakfast, packed up our things, walked across the street to look at a big Halloween display, and went home as planned. 

This is HUGE!! I can't even explain how good it feels to know that I can do this, slowly and as I am ready. We still have lots more steps to take, but this one rewired a part of my brain to tell me that being away from Kyle doesn't have to cause great anxiety.

#Progress

#OvercomingFears

#GirlsNight

Feeling Happy

 The last few days, I've felt happy.  I've caught myself smiling or laughing, and it's been completely genuine.  It's such an amazing feeling.  

Sometimes I get so scared sharing when I am happy (like right now 😬😫).  Not because I don't want people to know and not because it's not worth celebrating, but because I don't know how long it will last, and I know how incredibly difficult it is to share when I am not doing well again after telling everyone that things are good.  In fact, it took me 4 months into my pregnancy with Garrett before I started telling people that I had actually been feeling well that whole time, just because of this very fear.

I think we're making a huge breakthrough medication-wise.  It's too early to know and definitely too early to share, but I will share someday if the trend continues.  

Happy, light-filled days are such treasures to me.  I don't know how long this particular period of light will last, but I will love every second of it, even if it happens to be fleeting.

#TheLightAlwaysComesAgain 

#AppreciateTheGoodDays 

#HappinessWinsToday