Rocky

 The thing I despise very most about Rocky (my kidney stone) is how he has affected my mental health more and more as time has gone on.  Because of the pain from him and my surgery to aid in my process of getting rid of him, I've had to stop swimming, standing/walking for too long, and driving.  (Thankfully the last couple of days have been better so I've been able to do a little more.)  Because of the infections he has caused, I've had to stay away from people and germs to try to get this all cleared up so I can get the surgery done to take him away forever.  All of these things combined make a perfect recipe for depression.  And then it's all compounded by the fact that it's Christmastime and my depressed brain tells me that I'm the crummiest mom ever, my kids will never have good memories, they need someone else who can give them a better life, and I'm simply not good enough.  All the tears this week have been exhausting.  

One good thing is that I can clearly see the impact exercise has on my mind, which gives me even more motivation to do it when I'm a able to again. 

Another good thing is that I have a sweet boy who is willing to share his most prized puppy, blankie, and blippi bear when I can't seem to stop the tears from flowing. 😍 

And the last good thing is that I have an appointment tomorrow with the urology clinic.  I had a urine culture on Monday and not all of the infection is gone yet, but hopefully we can still schedule to get rid of Rocky forever!!!  🤞🤞🤞

Finished Socks!

 Thanks to Birdie's Pie Shop and Thrivent and other generous donations, along with LOTS of willing hands, we finished all of our socks and messages for this year!  I can't wait to take them to the youth and adult inpatient mental health units for Christmas morning. 

Free

 Free.  

It's the best word I can use to describe what I felt this day last year.  It was this day that I was able to go home from the third time of being in the hospital.  Quite honestly, I was terrified.  The last two times I had gone home, I left the "safety" of the hospital and came home only to find out both evenings that the severity of anxiety was still ever-present and ever-painful.  I had grown convinced that this was my new life, a life that I simply could not bear.  I wondered if I would forever have to live in the hospital, away from my precious family, because that would be the only place where I could be okay.  I had never felt something like this before, and there continue to be no words to explain how excruciatingly painful all of it was.  

This time, I came home ready for the panic attack that was sure to rear its ugly head that evening.  Literal miracles had occurred that third time in the hospital, but I still wasn't sure if they would last or if I was still living on the high of having hope in a better life than I had before imagined for myself.

I got home, we finally celebrated my birthday since I had gone back to the hospital on my birthday, and we snuggled on the couch to watch a movie.  I continued to tell myself that this time was different, that I wasn't going to panic like before, that I really was okay, but this huge part of me didn't know what to believe, and I was beyond scared.  If those physical symptoms of anxiety manifested themselves again, especially to the intensity I had been enduring for so long, I knew we would have to make some very difficult decisions about my long-term wellbeing.  

But that evening, there was no panic.  I still wasn't convinced that I wouldn't end up back in the hospital within a few weeks or months,  but an evening without panic felt like maybe, just maybe, I had finally woken up from the nightmare I had been stuck in for 4 months.  

The next day was the same.  No panic.  Still fear that this wouldn't last, but no physical anxiety like before.  Day after day, this continued.  There were many ups and downs, but they were different.  I could tell that the cocktail of medications I was taking was working.  There were powerful triggers that would leave me crippled, but Kyle helped me through those, and I remained out of the hospital.  

This last year has been difficult in ways that are equally impossible to describe, but we are moving forward.  The hard days are spreading out farther.  The good days are becoming more of the normal.  I am finding peace.  

This is the day I gained a second chance at life, because I was finally free.

Exercise

 Happy acai bowl day to me! 😂 I told myself a long time ago, that when I made it to my 2000 lap mark of swimming, I would buy myself a dragon bowl with my own spending money to celebrate.  I took the whole summer off from swimming to spend more time with my kids (plus I was biking everywhere with them with Garrett in a trailer, so that was plenty of working out), but I got back into swimming at the start of the school year and have been going strong since.  

I used to swim 34 laps (33 laps is 1/2 mile, but who wants to stop at the other end of the pool?! 🤣) breaststroke 3 times a week.  Now I swim 3 times a week still but it's anywhere between 40 and 66 laps alternating between breaststroke and freestyle.  I've beat my half mile personal record by 35 seconds and my full mile personal record by 3 minutes.  

My body feels good, but even more than that, my mind feels good.  Toward the end of summer, some of the things we had been biking to were done, so my exercise decreased dramatically.  Not exercising as much + some medication issues + difficult topics in counseling led to a plunge into deep depression.  Now that I am swimming again, there have still been some bumps and triggers and uncontrollable life circumstances that have caused bouts of depression and anxiety, but I find that I am able to bounce back quicker and have much less drastic swings, when I am exercising regularly and pushing my body to work hard.  Hence, my reason for celebrating!

Trauma

 Ever since July 16th, I have been living in this easily triggered state of the frequent "this time last year" trauma. Sometimes I could predict when it would come and other times it has caught me completely off guard. That is almost over for this year, and my counselor reassures me that it will be somewhat easier next year and continue getting easier as the years go by.

But this week is the worst of it. Last October 30th, I got home from my second and longest hospital stay, 2 1/2 weeks. But when I got home, not only were things not better, they were far worse! Kyle took the whole next week off work and my wonderful friend took my kids for the entire week while I literally just tried to survive. Kyle and I had some very special experiences together that week that I hold close to my heart, but ultimately he was there to save me. No one can comprehend what those days were like for me or him. We were living a pure hellish nightmare. I didn't know if or how things could ever get better from there.

On my birthday last year, November 4th, he took me to the hospital one last time. I stayed a long, lonely, tear-filled night in the ER waiting for a bed to open up. November 5th, I was officially admitted. When I met with the doctor that day, she asked why I was back and what I expected they could do for me. And then November 6th, things began to change in miraculous ways until I was ready to go home on November 11th and start picking up my broken pieces and trying to live life again.

I'm riding the wave that this week might be, but there's a difference this time. There's a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I've almost done it, friends. One year down, and hopefully it will keep getting easier from here.

Beautiful Progress

 When I started writing on social media about my struggles with mental health, I told myself that I would share all sides of it. The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the triumphs and the setbacks.

Last night was both beautiful and triumphant. 

For the last several years, I have had pretty bad separation anxiety being away from Kyle Avery. I know people hear "separation anxiety" and think of babies or little kids, but it's not limited to that. You see, Kyle is my constant. He knows me better than anyone else. He knows what to do or say when I am struggling. We spend so many evenings and mornings talking about how I'm feeling and working through the process of overcoming these hurdles placed before us together. He has missed out on several opportunities in the last few years, because he knew I couldn't handle having him gone. But I've wanted to change this. I don't want us to live this way forever.

So we came up with some plans, some little baby steps we could take to overcome this huge hurdle. 

One of our ideas was for him to sleep with Garrett in the backyard, so we could be apart but still very close. That ended up being swapped when Brooklyn wanted to camp with me in the backyard. Although we had to come in early because of the weather, I still felt an increase in confidence, because I fell asleep without having anxiety.

The next step was me staying in a local hotel with Brooklyn for a night. For a while, I've been pretty scared about doing this, but since I've been doing well for the last little while, we thought maybe it was time.

Yesterday, Kyle explained to Brooklyn why we were doing this and that it was okay if we needed to come home early. She understood, so we headed out. First, we swam in the hotel pool as a family, went out to eat for dinner, and then Brooklyn and I went back to the hotel while Kyle and Garrett went home. Brooklyn swam a little more, we watched a movie together while I crocheted, and then we read until we were tired and ready to sleep. We called Kyle to say goodnight and then Brooklyn wanted to snuggle my arm to fall asleep. I fell asleep quickly without any anxiety.

This morning, I woke up early (5:30am) as I often do. I was scared for weeks leading up to doing a hotel stay that waking up early would be terrifying without Kyle there in case I wasn't okay, but I ended up being fine with only a little bit of anxiety. I still prefer having Kyle there, morning breath and all 😉😂 but I was happy to not have any big anxiety. 

When Brooklyn woke up, we got some hotel breakfast, packed up our things, walked across the street to look at a big Halloween display, and went home as planned. 

This is HUGE!! I can't even explain how good it feels to know that I can do this, slowly and as I am ready. We still have lots more steps to take, but this one rewired a part of my brain to tell me that being away from Kyle doesn't have to cause great anxiety.

#Progress

#OvercomingFears

#GirlsNight

Feeling Happy

 The last few days, I've felt happy.  I've caught myself smiling or laughing, and it's been completely genuine.  It's such an amazing feeling.  

Sometimes I get so scared sharing when I am happy (like right now 😬😫).  Not because I don't want people to know and not because it's not worth celebrating, but because I don't know how long it will last, and I know how incredibly difficult it is to share when I am not doing well again after telling everyone that things are good.  In fact, it took me 4 months into my pregnancy with Garrett before I started telling people that I had actually been feeling well that whole time, just because of this very fear.

I think we're making a huge breakthrough medication-wise.  It's too early to know and definitely too early to share, but I will share someday if the trend continues.  

Happy, light-filled days are such treasures to me.  I don't know how long this particular period of light will last, but I will love every second of it, even if it happens to be fleeting.

#TheLightAlwaysComesAgain 

#AppreciateTheGoodDays 

#HappinessWinsToday

Birdie's Pies

 LOCAL FRIENDS!!!  The generous owners of the cutest pie shop in town, Birdie's Pie Shop, made this beautiful specialty pie and are giving the entire proceeds from the sales of this pie to my Christmas Socks for Hope project. Their generosity and kindness blow me away! The pies feature semicolons and hearts to stand for suicide prevention month.  I tried the pie this morning and it is beyond delicious!!  Be sure to stop by sometime this week to support their shop and my project.  And if you want, please share this post to help it reach more local friends.  It may seem like a small thing, but I know these socks and messages are warming feet and hearts.

How I Feel

 Things I have been hungering for people to know about how I've been feeling.  Not for a pity party or sympathy.  Just so people can know where I'm at and for me to relieve the heavy burden on my heart from feeling like I have to hide what is going on in my world right now.

--I feel alone.

--I feel unlovable.

--I feel incredibly scared of being vulnerable because of the fear of how it might be received.

--I feel like a huge burden.  

--I feel like I am losing everyone around me because of this ongoing struggle.

--I feel this heavy conflict of trying to love myself as I am now and not long for the person I used to be and want so bad to be again.

--I wonder if anyone can truly understand what I am feeling and experiencing, especially when there aren't often the adequate words to describe it.

--I feel like a shell of who I once was.

--I worry that I am beyond healing.

--I feel like it takes so much effort to smile and have fun.  I'm willing to make the effort, but I don't want it to be confused as me being okay.  It often feels fake or forced, but I'm trying my hardest to make it real again.

Like I said before, this is not a call for attention or sympathy.  I simply need people to know.  Kyle feels great confidence that God knows and loves me even as I am and that this will improve.  I am holding onto his confidence and having faith that he is right.

Once again, photo credit to the amazing Brooklyn.  She's going to be a professional photographer before I know it.

Happily Ever After

Us then and now.  9 years later.  9 years of growing more in love with each other every day.  9 years of working through heart wrenching challenges together.  9 years of hiking and chasing sunsets and looking for beautiful new places to explore together.  It's hard to remember what life was like before we had each other, and I'm thankful it feels that way.  

I've been really emotional lately.  This morning, I cried to Kyle that when we were married, it seemed like that should have been the start of our "happily ever after," but now it's hard to know what happily ever after even means.  In pure Kyle wisdom, he said, "True happiness comes through struggle, so that means we are living our happily ever after."  I realized that our relationship is rock solid, BECAUSE of the tears we've shed, the heartfelt prayers we have prayed, and the heavy trials we have faced hand in hand.  Our life together is nothing like what I imagined it would be, but our love is sweeter than what I ever imagined it could be.  

#WeWereBabies 

#OurUniqueHappilyEveryAfter

#TeamAveryForever 

#EternitySoundsSoGood

Seeing God in the Pain

Last Friday, Saturday, and Monday, three separate things happened that led to a bout of severe depression on Tuesday, the same day we left for camping for a few days at Lionhead.  We got there, and I was so sad.  I had such little energy.  I just wanted to sit in my chair on the beach and cry while I watched my family play and have fun.  In the evenings after getting our kids to bed, Kyle and I would sit around the fire and talk while I cried, but the depression still wouldn't break.  On the evening of the second night, there was the most BEAUTIFUL sunset, and it suddenly lit this fire inside of me.  I pulled out my camera for the first time that trip and began trying to capture the beauty.  Then that night there were the most incredible stars lighting up the whole entire sky.  And the next day there were beautiful trees, rocks, and water.  It all kept filling my cup until I was able to fully enjoy the rest of the time I had with my family.  I will never understand why things happen the way they do, and I will probably never be thankful to feel such deep emotions, but I will always be thankful for the little moments when I think I see God in the pain.  This was one of those powerful moments.  (Not to leave out Kyle and all of his patient kindness when I am struggling.)

You're Here for a Reason

 A little story read by Brooklyn for anyone who might need to hear this message today.

One of the very few memories I have of the first time in the hospital last year was when I was getting ready to go home.  One of the mental health specialists gave me this sweet book to read to my kids.  

Brooklyn said it best at the end of the video, "You are exactly loved too!"

Doing Hard Things

 If I had to name this chapter of my life, it would probably be "Doing Hard Things." But each hard thing I do adds to my list of things I am slowly overcoming and how I am healing.

Yesterday in counseling, we talked about the things that happened between July 16th and August 5th last year. Things that have been haunting me this last while and that have brought back such strong emotions and memories.

We talked about Glacier National Park. How it was when my husband and I got home from that wonderful week that everything broke. For so long last year, I wondered what it was about Glacier that caused this to happen. Did I not get enough sleep that week and that caused me to collapse emotionally? Was I too physically active and that somehow affected a certain vitamin level or the effectiveness of my medicine or something else that caused such a strong intensity of anxiety coming home? Did I not eat enough food or drink enough water and that led to those fateful months? What was it about Glacier that made all of this happen? Because in my mind, they were surely connected.

Now I can recognize some huge triggers, along with months of less intense anxiety before that was slowly wearing me down, that I believe caused everything to spiral down the way it did. But I still have had such a strong connection in my mind to Glacier and the subsequent anxiety/depression that led to so many hospitalizations and trauma. 

I have avoided looking at pictures or really remembering the beautiful trip to Glacier at all, because it has been too painful. But yesterday, we decided it was time for me to remember, time for me to help my mind disconnect what happened in Glacier as the cause of all the following pain, which meant finally looking at the pictures of that week and remembering all the good. 

I did it. I looked. At first it hurt so bad seeing our carefree happiness and all the incredible beauty, not knowing what was just around the corner. It hurt seeing how something so good could be followed by the most painful experience of my life just 2 weeks later.  

But it was also healing.  Remembering what felt like the most magical week.  Remembering how incredible it was to see the most beautiful sights with my favorite person in the whole world.  Remembering how we connected and grew closer being together for that time alone without our kids.  Remembering so many little details that simply brought joy.

It's going to take time to overcome the pain, but for now, I'm making the conscious choice to remember the good.

August 1

August 1st.  A day that is seared into my memory forever.  A day that just the thought of it coming again this year brought incredible fear.  A day that I dreaded and wished it wouldn't have to come at all.

The day last year that I left my family because I was in so much pain and didn't know how to go on, the day that Kyle somehow broke through the darkness and took me to get help, the day that I went to the hospital for the first of three times in four months, the day that I felt like I was living in a nightmare and could never be okay again, the day that my life felt shattered and irreparably broken forever.

At the beginning of this summer, I was completely terrified for that day to come.  I cried to a friend explaining how I was feeling, and she suggested planning something fun for the day, so I had something to look forward to instead of being so afraid.  I loved that idea, so Kyle took the day off work, and we made plans to kayak the Coeur d'Alene River together as a family.

Last week, I cried every day.  I woke up every morning with my feet shaking in terror.  I felt like I was constantly reliving all the pain of everything I can remember from July to November of last year (I actually can't remember chunks of time and some of it is just a blur like an actual nightmare).  Most of all, I remembered August 1st.  It felt like if that day came, everything that happened last year would happen again, and I wouldn't be able to handle it this time.  I remembered details of things that I hadn't thought about in such a long time and remembered new things that had previously been blocked from my memory.  I tried to keep reminding myself that it was just a day like any other day, that I'm doing so much better now than I was, that we have so many more tools in our toolbelt than we did before, but still the trauma seemed to overpower me.

And then today came.  We spent the whole day together as a family.  We had such a great time swimming, exploring, kayaking, and finding the beauty all around us.  As scared as I was leading up to this day, I knew that if I could make it through, it would be one more triumphant moment in my journey of healing.  I still have a long way to go and more to overcome, but today was a really good day.

Triggers

 Triggers are a very interesting thing.  This summer has been truly magical for so many reasons that I PROMISE I will share later (in fact, I'm so excited to share them).  But for now, I want to share this.  Every once in a while, I stumble on a trigger that kicks me to the ground.  

A couple of weeks ago, we had plans to go camping as a family.  It was when we got home from camping at Glacier last summer that everything crashed down, so the thought of going camping again terrified me.  I couldn't get past the thought that everything I experienced last year was going to happen again because of camping.  I cried and felt such great anxiety leading up to our trip.  I talked to my counselor and Kyle about it which helped so much.  We were able to go forward with our camping plans, and everything went so well (despite me getting COVID the second day and feeling so sick that we had to come home a few hours early on the third day).

Then, Kyle was supposed to go on a father's son campout.  Being without Kyle for a night is a HUGE trigger for me.  It didn't used to be like this, but now it scares me so much because of a few past experiences with him being gone and bad things happening.  He understands me more than anyone else and knows what to do when I am struggling, so it's so incredibly hard and scary to have him gone.  We are slowly working on this in little, tiny, manageable baby steps, and I am doing everything I can to keep up the hope that we can overcome this huge hurdle.  Thankfully (?) he got COVID as well and wasn't able to go, which was a huge blessing in disguise, because I was still recovering from COVID too and was not mentally in a place to be able to handle facing a fear of that magnitude.

Then came the day that was one year since we got home from Glacier, the evening last year when I had a massive panic attack and that was the start of months of struggle.  I was so scared of this day coming.  What if it all happened again?  What if everything repeated, and I wasn't able to handle it this time?  Nothing bad ended up happening, and I gained confidence after making it through that day and night that I'm okay, despite some bumps in our road still.  And I can continue to be okay for some future dates that will inevitably bring back painful memories.

Finally, last night, I was going through some old cards and letters I've saved for years.  I decided to add the hearts from so many people that I saved from when I came home from the hospital last August.  Reading through them, remembering what that time was like, remembering how far we were from finding a solution at that point, remembering all the love and hope that was shared, remembering my reaction to seeing my house completely covered in hearts when I got home, it all washed over me, and I feel very emotional about it today.  

It hurts seeing what our life is now compared to how it used to be.  It hurts seeing how very far I have to go in overcoming the trauma and pain of what these last 6 years but especially the last year have done to me.  As hard as it is at times, I am so thankful for Kyle, my kids, my tribe of people who would do whatever I need, and seeing my progress and how far I've come.  Who knows how long these triggers will keep appearing and taking my breath away as they punch me in the gut?  But I do believe I will be okay.  Somehow, some way, I will always be okay.

Photo credit to the amazing Brooklyn who is learning photography and rocking at it!

My Promise to God

Before we moved across the country to Post Falls, I was absolutely terrified.  What would people think of me?  I knew they would never know the "me" before severe depression and anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks, and that hurt me so terribly.  I wondered how I would explain to them who I really was but also what awful things I experienced nearly every day.  I knew I needed love and support so desperately, but I didn't know if I would find it in this new, unknown place.   

I didn't know what else to do besides pray, and boy did I pray fervently and often.  Eventually, I made a promise with God.  If He would provide me with the people I needed to love and support and help me through my darkness, then I would take EVERY opportunity I could to use my darkness to bless others.

God most certainly has provided me with the people I've needed, so I've done everything I can to hold up on my end of the promise.  Since moving here, I've had multiple opportunities to speak to several different groups of people about depression.  I've been able to have an article published in a worldwide magazine.  I've been able to start an unofficial non-profit for the psych unit of the hospital.  I've been able to share more on social media and have had a few opportunities to have posts that reached all around the world.  

This isn't meant to point at me at all.  It is meant to point at God and show what He can do with my brokenness to try to help others, both those who struggle with depression and those who don't.  

A few days ago, I found out about an opportunity to apply for a video aimed at helping those who struggle with depression and anxiety as well as those who support someone struggling.  At first, I read the requirements and thought it wasn't for me.  But yesterday, I couldn't get it off my mind no matter how hard I tried.  So I went for it.  I prepared my thoughts, which had to be condensed down into a 1-2 minute video (so hard to fit into that short time frame!), recorded the video with the help of Kyle late into the night last night, and submitted my application this morning.  Who knows if I will be chosen or not.  But at least I can say that I am still trying to uphold my promise with God.

Update

 A lot of people have been asking me for an update on how I’m doing.  It’s too much to tell everyone individually, so here it is in a nutshell.  This is the best I could do to condense it.

After decreasing the medication again that I am trying to wean off of, I began to experience this terribly uncomfortable feeling of having a huge lump in my throat.  This had happened in the past and lasted for a very long time, I went to an ENT for it before, he couldn’t see anything wrong, nothing he suggested helped long-term, sometimes would be worse than other times, but I finally resolved to just deal with it as it seemed there was no other option.  But when things came crashing down last summer, I couldn’t handle this anymore, along with other pains I had been enduring with no solution for any of them (I tried 2 places of physical therapy, 3 chiropractors, massage, etc. with no improvement).  All of these symptoms finally got better when I went on some anxiety medication in the hospital, and I thought they were gone forever.  But when the throat issue came back again, this time was far worse.  I felt like I was choking, like I couldn’t breathe, like I could hardly swallow.  As a result, my anxiety soared through the roof, and this caused great depression.  I literally cried all the time.  I could hardly get out of bed.  I didn’t know how I could handle having this happen again and possibly lasting for a very long time with no ability to relieve it.  I went to an ENT again, he prescribed an antibiotic, and I went on my way desperately hoping it would help.  The days that followed, things did not improve and seemed to only get worse.  Then, other muscles in my body began to tense up and cause pain again, and my anxiety continued to increase.  I felt in my heart that the antibiotic was not going to do anything to relieve this problem and had a strong hunch that it was anxiety-related, so Kyle and I made the difficult decision to go back up on the anxiety medicine.  It was frustrating to take that step back, but within a day, the symptoms in my throat started to improve drastically, as well as the other pain and tightness in my body.  There were other triggers that seemed to contribute to this storm of anxiety, causing it to continually grow worse until it was getting out of control, so we had to do what we could to help me reach a stable place again.

I met with my primary care doctor a couple of days ago, and we decided to try a very low dose anxiety and depression medication on top of what I’m already taking to see if that will relieve some of my anxiety and depression as I try to go off the medication again in the future.  

I am still depressed.  I still cry a fair bit, I feel very tired, I spend more time in bed or on my phone than I would like, I’m hardly productive at all, I get very easily overwhelmed, and I feel down on myself nearly every day, but I think my body is still trying to regulate from what happened.  I picked up my crochet hook again a few days ago after so many weeks of not being able to, so I know things are getting a little better.  I’ve had to say no a lot lately and do what I need to take stress out of my life the best I can, but I’m learning that’s okay.  I always knew that this was a marathon, not a sprint.  I just wish we could consistently take steps forward instead of ever taking steps back.  I'm desperately hoping things will get better soon, so I can make this a fun summer for my kids.

Hard Time

 This week has been indescribably hard. Last Saturday, I began to experience some symptoms that are irritating, uncomfortable, and very anxiety-provoking for me, symptoms that I had previously experienced and sought every form of help I could think of with no relief, symptoms that contributed to my breaking point last summer because I just couldn't handle the pain and discomfort any longer without knowing how to make it better. These symptoms went away for a while and just suddenly and randomly came back. I've spent so much of my week in bed with Garrett by my side, watching movies or playing dumb word games on my phone to distract myself. I've cried more times than I can count. I feel physically sick from all the stress. I've struggled eating again and have lost a few pounds already. I've had no desire to do anything, including my hobbies. Kyle has called several times each day just to check on how I'm doing. We clean together as a family before the kids go to bed every night because it's too overwhelming for me to do any of it during the day. Kyle and I spend our mornings and evenings together talking while I cry about my fears and pain. I've had to ask for help or back out of certain responsibilities because I'm not capable of doing them at the moment.

I'm frustrated. I'm scared. I'm overwhelmed. I'm seeking help but not feeling hope that it will really do anything. I'm trying to keep my anxiety at bay the best I can until we can figure out what we are going to do about all of this. 

But most of all, I'm continuing on with the help of so many people who help me bear these heavy burdens so that I don't have to do it alone.

Learning

Things I am sloooowly learning or trying to learn:

How everyone can have a place in the church of Jesus Christ, even when they are broken or weary or have so many unanswered questions about why things happen in life the way they do, and also that there isn't some certain mold to fit into to belong.

How part of praying is accepting God's will, even if that includes enduring literally unbearable pain instead of Him taking it away, and how sometimes God's answers to prayers come through other people helping to make the pain more bearable.

How one desperate, seemingly unanswered prayer last summer doesn't cancel out all of the other many answered prayers.

How my effort really is enough, even though it looks far different now from how it used to.

How to love myself completely, even who I am now compared to who I thought I would be and how my life would be at this point, even as someone who is trying to heal and very slowly making progress, even who I am compared to others who seem far greater and more impactful in the world.

How to work with Kyle to do certain things together that are too hard or overwhelming for me to do on my own and how to figure things out together. Our many late night and early morning talks are paying off in helping me piece together in my mind the things that confuse and repeatedly hurt me.

How trauma is very real and heavily influences so many parts of my life right now but that it can be overcome in time through advances in therapy techniques and significant hard work and pain on my part when I am ready.

How to trust that, in time, Jesus Christ really can bind up broken hearts, not just other people's but mine.

I'm thankful for Kyle, my kids, my close friends, my amazing counselor, many church leaders, and others who offer their time, support, love, and lack of judgment during such a difficult time of trying to make sense of things that simply don't make sense. I cry a lot right now because so many things hurt in ways that I can't explain so that others can understand, but I'm trying to smile through the tears and keep hoping that my heart won't always hurt this bad.

Freedom from Medication Addiction

I wasn't going to share this, but quite honestly, I need all the love and support and understanding I can get right now. I am in the process of slowly going off a medication that my body is highly dependent on. I hate to use the word addiction, but that might be accurate. Tapering down causes great anxiety, insomnia, headaches, and a whole other plethora of possible symptoms that I'm hoping to avoid. The worst part for me is the anxiety. It brings back floods of memories that terrify me. This is going to be a long process that will take a few months. I'm only on day 4, and it is getting harder by the day. In the research I've done, there are certain peaks and then things level out some before the next taper. I'm hoping today is the worst of this round and then things will gradually start to improve again. I'm taking some supplements to try to help with the withdrawal and hoping they are truly helping. It's just so hard. A medication that I was once forced to rely on to control the level of anxiety I was enduring is now causing similar anxiety again as I try to break free from it. I'm counting my blessings that my dose and amount of time I've been on that dose are relatively small. And now I'm praying with all my heart that I can have the strength to get through this tumultuous time. These people, along with so many good friends, give me strength and help me navigate life through all that it brings our way.

My Beautiful Life

 The second time I was in the hospital, I read this quote: 

“I am going to make everything around me beautiful. That will be my life.” ― Elsie de Wolfe

Right then and there I decided that this precisely described what I wanted for myself and my life.  I wanted to find beauty wherever I went, share beauty whenever I could, and try to leave everything more beautiful than how I found it.  

Attempting to find the beauty that surrounds me is what gets me through the ugly of life.  Right now, there is a lot going on in my world, things that I am not ready to share, but these beautiful blossoms made me happy today.

Easter

 Easter has always been a day of hope, but this year more than ever before.  As I grapple with so many unanswered questions and difficult doubts, I'm holding onto hope that through Jesus Christ, what is now shattered can be repaired.  Hope that I can always overcome the challenges of life through Him.  Hope that He truly understands what I feel because He suffered it for me.  Hope that anything, literally anything, is possible, even overcoming seemingly insurmountable trauma.  I'm leaning heavily on these hopes right now, praying that they can be true for me, and doing whatever I can to trust in His power to restore my life and heal my wounds.  As Charlotte said, "This Easter is symbolic of my rebirth."

One Last Picture

 Our computer screen saver shuffles through pictures. Every time this one comes up, I feel a punch in my gut and a lump in my throat. 

This one image elicits such strong emotions in me, more than any other picture we have. Our pictures from Glacier National Park are still very painful for me to look at, because it was when we came home from that wonderful trip that I broke. But this one picture is 10x more painful than all of those combined. 

It was taken on July 31. At that time, I was going on two straight weeks of intense anxiety. But that weekend, it had escalated, and I was in a state of constant panic. I had to keep walking around my house and around the block, because it seemed that walking was the only way to release some of the built-up tension and painful energy flowing through my body like a vicious poison. I was somewhat depressed, incredibly anxious, and barely holding onto life. 

I kept pacing around my house, wondering how a person could survive such pervasive darkness and extreme anxiety, when I heard the joyful screams of my family in the backyard. They were running through the sprinklers, getting wet, and chasing each other. For some reason, I snapped a picture from inside, but I didn't go join them as I might have usually done. By that point, I was just a hollow version of myself, and I didn't understand how they could be so happy or have the energy to run and laugh. I wondered what good there was left in the world that a person could find the strength or desire to smile. 

The next day, I left my family with a precise plan of how to be gone forever. This is the last picture I had taken, the last picture my family would have been left with as they would have grappled with all of the unanswered questions, namely how someone with so much to live for could feel terrible enough to end it all.

I share this for many reasons. Because I desperately wish someone could understand the trauma that fills my mind and heart from what I experienced. Because this shows the harsh reality of what depression and anxiety can do to a person. But mostly because I want anyone who reads this to remember that there is so much to live for. Don't leave your family with that one last painful picture. Reach out and choose to stay.

Getting Better

 When I'm depressed, doing a load of dishes or laundry or making dinner feels impossible. Literally impossible. But lately I've been able to do those things with ease, sometimes multiple at the same time, like today.

Tonight a memory flooded back to me. I remember being in the hospital crying painful tears, telling one of the amazing counselors there that I just couldn't keep going, and I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had a beautiful family and seemingly everything going for me, yet all I wanted was to be gone forever. She said, "This is 100% depression. You do have everything going for you, so the fact that you feel this way means you are depressed." I remember the sweet relief I felt in that moment. Relief that there was indeed something wrong with me (yes, I had forgotten that in that moment). Relief that depression was making me feel this way, not my lack of gratitude for how blessed my life is. Relief that we could find some solution to my sadness so that I could feel happy with my beautiful family again.

It's crazy to see what hormones do to me. I can't even describe what it feels like to see how much progress I've made in the last several months since that time in the hospital. And I feel so thankful for being able to do dishes or laundry and not struggle tearfully through them. Life is getting to be so good again.

Marriage

 If I had to choose just one thing that I am most thankful for about struggling with my mental health, it's hands down Kyle and how our relationship has grown through this trial.  Not only has he been there through the very worst times I have experienced, but he also works hard to earn money so that I can go to counseling and have a gym membership to improve my situation.  He celebrates with me when I work out and encourages me to continue swimming my half mile, improving my time, and working up to swimming a mile.  He spends some of his free time researching hormones and medicine and possible things that could help me.  He takes time out of work to go to my appointments with me so that he can be a second set of ears and an advocate for me.  He is willing to listen after every counseling session and help me continue working through the pains that come out each time.  We have come to the point where we can talk about anything.  I can be completely honest with him about how I'm feeling or what's on my mind.  He has learned to not just ask how I'm doing but to ask more detailed questions to really understand where I'm at.  He takes pictures of me doing things with my kids to help me fight the feeling that I am failing my family and am not good enough for them.  I don't know what I did to deserve such an incredible person, but I'm beyond thankful to have him in my life.  

#FeelingThankful 

#MarriageIsAGift 

#TeamAveryForever

Counseling Pain

 #VeryVulnerablePost 😬😭

This is me every week both before and after a session of counseling. It's the hardest but best thing I could do for myself. Digging up pain hurts deeply, but my hope is that someday my heart will heal from these pains and I will be thankful that I put in the hard work to get to that place.

Prized Possessions

 Hear me out for this long story, because I have to tell it for my own heart's sake.  And I'll just throw this out there now, this is not a pregnancy announcement 😉

In July of 2019, we found out I was pregnant.  It was such a sweet surprise.  I immediately felt connected to that little baby.  A friend of a friend had an Etsy shop, and when I saw this little "Made in Idaho" onesie and booties, I knew I HAD to buy them.  I also bought a little hat and mocassins from a separate place too, because I was so excited and happy.  

Then at the end of August, I started bleeding.  The baby's heart rate was fine, so I was told everything would be okay.  I came home from the hospital, and my package of baby things had arrived in the mail that very same day.  I was so happy to see these sweet purchases.  I snuggled them close and felt relief wash over me that my baby was fine after this scare.  We were in the middle of moving into our house, so I packed the outfit on top of my baby box and sealed it up.  But then things tragically got worse, and by the end of the next week, our sweet baby was gone.  

We moved into our house, and while we were unpacking, I saw a box that wasn't labeled.  I opened it, immediately gasped for air, and ran to my room to sob.  In that unlabeled box were my baby things, the very things I had saved and bought, sure that this baby would safely join our family the next April.  On the top were my purchases I had snuggled close and felt relief.  I didn't even think to label the box, because I had no clue when I was packing it up what heartbreaking events would transpire.  That tore me to pieces.  

Then in July of 2020, I went off birth control to try to have another baby.  I immediately plummeted into deep depression, but I knew it was worth it to bring one more baby into our family.  One particularly difficult day, I went to Walmart to walk around and pass a little more time.  I saw this cute hat on the clearance aisle.  I bought it as my motivation to keep going through the depression, because the end result would be worth it.  I kept it on my dresser so I could see it each day.  We did end up getting pregnant after 3 grueling months, but that pregnancy ended in more heartbreak and tears.  

And then I had a complete mental breakdown in 2021 and realized that our baby days were over.  I saved my little outfit, booties, and hats, not sure what to do with them.  I couldn't get rid of them yet, but I also couldn't bear seeing them sitting there, so I stuffed them away and thought maybe someday I would have the courage to give them to a sweet friend who was expecting.

When I found out that my friend Jessica was pregnant, I just KNEW she was the one I could give these to.  I knew she would appreciate and love them and know how much they meant to me.  I'm so darn happy for her that it's hard to contain my excitement.

My heart still hurts sometimes, but it is healing, and I know it is healing, because I've found the courage to give away some of my most prized possessions.

Stress-Free Year

According to Charlotte, if I can get to one year of mental stability, then I am considered in "remission."  If I can get to five years, then I am basically "cured."  The depression is coming up on one month of stability.  The anxiety (physical symptoms of anxiety, not the worrying thoughts of anxiety) are still holding on, so that time hasn't started yet.  I hope we can get that part under control soon.

Basically, I have to try my very hardest in the next year to avoid any additional stress or certain triggers that could cause a relapse.  This means postponing a spring break vacation to Arizona and southern Utah, not having a big family gathering (or really any family gathering) for Brooklyn's baptism, and not pushing myself too hard or committing to too many things.  

This is really hard for me.  Sometimes I feel like I am ruining my family's life through my struggles, and that hurts me deeply.  Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on such sweet, critical years with my kids, and that hurts me too.  More than I can put into words.  Sometimes I miss being able to push myself hard and accomplish great things, or being able to commit to a variety of service and social events.

But when I feel the discouragement start to settle in, I remind myself that I am doing all of this BECAUSE I love my family and want to reach my year of stability for them.  I remember that my heart is still healing, and that's okay.  It's okay to take the time I need to push myself harder.  I still wish this could be some other way, but I just have to think how much sweeter all of these things will be when my darkness is finally far behind me.

190 Days

I think I'm finally ready to talk about this.  We'll see if I can have the courage to keep the post up and not take it down.

On August 1st, 2021, I got in my car and drove away from the safety of my home and family with no plan of returning. I felt like I had to escape the relentlessly powerful panic I had been experiencing constantly, and it seemed that there was only one way to do that. I tricked my husband into going to get his shoes on to take a walk, grabbed the keys, and left. The sky was dark and gloomy, but nothing compared to how I felt inside. I got on the highway as my mind was racing about how I was going to proceed. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. But for whatever reason, I kept driving, somehow unable to stop.

Then my phone started to ring. It was my husband. I ignored his call. I was sure that neither him nor anyone else was capable of helping me at that point. All of this had gone too far, and I couldn't bear any of it anymore. My phone rang again. It was my husband again. And once again I ignored him, still thinking that I was beyond saving. Finally on the fourth or fifth call, I hesitantly answered. He begged me to come home. In a voice that I did not recognize coming from myself, I told him that he had to let me go. After a while, he finally convinced me to meet him at a park. He grabbed my completely numb hands and took me to the hospital.

That, my friends, is why my heart and mind are packed to the brim with trauma right now. That is why any semblance of anxiety or depression brings out a response in me like never before.

But that is also why I made this video. Because 190 days later, I've made so many good memories with my family. Maybe less memories than what I would hope if I wasn't still sick much of that time, but little memories and moments nonetheless that I would have missed out on if I wouldn't have stayed, if I wouldn't have trusted in the love of my husband who told me that I was worth saving, if I wouldn't have seen the tiniest glimmer of hope when I realized that maybe there was still an option to live and to not be in so much constant pain.

We have learned in the last 190 days that magic doesn't exist. We're still trying to figure out how to help all of this get better completely, but things are better than they were, and I feel hope that they will continue getting better. I'm so glad now that I didn't give in.

Moving Forward

I have to share a thought I've had the last few days. But first a little background. I've been sad recently. Not the depressed kind of sad, but the sad that comes from the pain of realizing what my life is now compared to what it used to be. All the broken pieces, all the missed years of learning and growth and progression, and all the missed opportunities with my family and friends and in my community have really gotten me down. Kyle has tried to point out that I've grown, I've been able to reach tens of thousands of people all around the world through writing openly about my depression, and I've started an unofficial non-profit for the psych unit of the hospital because of these struggles, but I've repeated that I would trade all of that for what I once had going for me. 

But I realized something a few days ago that has lifted me up. I realized that a portion of the good that happens in the world has come from bleak circumstances. I can think of so many examples. An organization created to teach self-defense was started by someone who had been kidnapped and sexually abused. A family who lost their daughter to drowning wrote about their grief and delivered hospital stay goodie bags in honor of their daughter to help others in their same position. Another family who lost their sweet little girl to diabetes consistently share the warning signs and use their voice to try to make sure another family won't go through the same horror. A family who lost their son after he was hit by a car at an intersection host a bike safety day for the community every year and give away free helmets. A woman who lost her husband to suicide shares her story and her pains as well as the pains of her children to help others know how important it is to stay. The list could go on and on. No one wanted these things to happen, but the bad opened their eyes to a need that they were prepared to fill through their understanding, and most importantly, they chose to fill it.

I wish so terribly that I wouldn't have been severely depressed for so many years and now carry the trauma of all the things that came with that, but the fact is, I was, so now I have to decide what I'm going to do with it. All of the people I mentioned before inspire me to continue to use my past darkness to do good, however that might look.

Do I still wish that I could go back and somehow stop everything bad from happening? YES! But am I learning to look to the future and do what I can to use these experiences for good? Also yes. It's hard not to wish for different circumstances, but we don't often get to choose those. So I'm doing what I can to be thankful for my ability to choose how to move forward from this now.

Face of Depression

 I was so depressed at the time these pictures were taken, so very depressed, but no one would know looking at them.  They would think I was living a wonderful dream, and in many ways I was with my sweet little family, but depression got in the way of that dream.  

I wish, probably more than anything else, that people could understand the face of depression.  Sometimes it looks happy.  Or put together.  Or even peaceful.  But sometimes hidden behind a smile is pain and heartache.  So... don't forget to be kind.  Remember that everyone has some weight they are carrying, whether or not that is depression.  Check on your seemingly happy friends.  Don't be afraid to give a compliment or express love.  You never know how much it could mean to the person receiving it.  Don't assume that your smiling friends have a perfect life.  They might be snuggling their people close just hoping for better days to come eventually.

Also, a lot of people have asked how I have been doing recently, and the answer is good (for 8 days, which is a long time for me).  Who knows if that will last or if there are more bumps in the road ahead, but right now is good and so I'm truly happy and peaceful.  I hope more than anything that it will stick around.

Puzzle Pieces

 When I got home from the second time of being in the hospital, my whole life felt like it was laying before me in a million shattered pieces. I still wasn't feeling well at all, and I hardly knew where to start in trying to put my life back together. So Kyle and I made a list. We called it our "puzzle pieces," each piece outlining some part of my life that I hoped I could get back at some point. We knew that it would take time, effort, patience, and lots of little baby steps before I could feel that my old life was restored, but it felt good to get all of these pieces written down. After getting home from my third hospital stay, I was feeling so much better than before and was really ready to start getting to work on the puzzle of my life. Some parts were easy to add back in at that point like eating, being at home by myself, and taking care of my kids. Others were more difficult like doing my hobbies again (crocheting, photography, piano), grocery shopping, making dinner, or making commitments. And one (doing our family's budget) I just started yesterday, nearly two months after getting home.

Through it all, I've learned that healing and progress are not linear. Sometimes I still have some rough days and Kyle has to make dinner or help more with the kids, but overall, my puzzle is coming together quite nicely. I'm going to be so proud of this one when it is finished.

Incredible People

 Somehow in this big, long, often difficult journey with my mental health over the last several years, I've crossed paths with some of the most incredible people, people who have been willing to give of their time, effort, knowledge, and love to try to help me. It instantly brings me to tears when I think of these special people in my life. And sometimes I've wondered why? Why do they do it? Why do they care so much about me? I'm just one ordinary person, but somehow that doesn't seem to matter to them. Somehow they feel that I'm needed, that my life is irreplaceable, that I am worth getting better. I'm so thankful beyond words for these good people. I am here and slowly healing because some really smart, caring people and my sweet family have not given up on me.

Struggle

 I'm struggling so much right now. I've had a few very rough days and nights recently, and that is so discouraging and frustrating to me. I feel pains that are impossible to explain and that it seems no person is capable of understanding, and that leaves me feeling incredibly alone. I wish all of this "getting better" could be over at once, but it's a process, sometimes a painfully slow process. I think things are progressively getting better. I want to believe that they are. But my heart is also very afraid, afraid to feel hope, afraid that everything will suddenly come back and I will be stuck in my hellish nightmare again, afraid that I'm going to lose everyone around me because my darkness is too much for them to handle, and afraid that my broken heart is beyond healing. I hope 2022 is a year that I can look back on and see just how far I've come. I pray that it will be the year I will finally find a peace that will be here to stay for a very long time. I'm practically begging God to make this my year to find myself again, the me that feels buried in pain and trauma and scars. I want to find the light that used to fill my eyes. I may not be able to do it on my own, but when I am in Kyle's arms, I feel that somehow I can get there again.