One Small Victory

Lately, I've been frustrated, because I see little bits of progress in my depression, but they are slow and seem so very small compared to what I wish for. I know I have to be patient, and thankfully I have good people around me who help me focus on how far I've come vs. how far I have left to go, but it's still hard wanting to feel better than I do.

Today, though, I saw a leap of progress, and I'm counting it as a win! This may not seem like a lot to anyone else, but to me, it's huge.

Last March, I had to make cupcakes for a young women's activity. I bought a cake mix and frosting, because heaven knows I wasn't about to make them from scratch. I told myself that I could do this, I had agreed to do this, and it shouldn't have been that hard, but I was in the middle of trying a new medication that made it nearly impossible to get out of bed or function, so the thought of adding a few ingredients to a cake mix, baking the cupcakes, and then frosting them was literally beyond my ability at that time. I felt dumb. I mean seriously, who can't make stupid cupcakes from a box?! After fighting and fighting and FIGHTING myself to try to make the cupcakes, I finally opened up to my friend Kristina, probably in tears, and told her how I couldn't make the cupcakes. She immediately invited me to come to her house, and she kindly baked and frosted the cupcakes for me.

Last week, I was at Walmart and saw a cute unicorn cookie cutter in the Valentine's Day section. I thought about Brooklyn and how much she would love making unicorn cookies, so I bought it and promised her that we would make cookies soon. But things have been so hard lately. The depression is still very much a part of my life, as well as pretty severe anxiety now as a result of this new medication, so I kept putting off making the cookies, hoping for some good day to come along. That day still hasn't come, but since she didn't have school today, I decided that today was the day, regardless of how I felt. I pulled together all the strength and motivation I could find, made the cookie dough and frosting from scratch, and we decorated cookies. I DID IT!!!

I don't know why life is so hard sometimes or why the littlest of tasks can be nearly impossible to accomplish, but I find hope in moments like this that tell me I will get there. Someday. Little by little. One small victory at a time.

Brave

I haven't wanted to write this, because I haven't wanted it to be real. While this new medication I've been on for the last month has helped with some of the lowest lows, it has also made me incredibly anxious and emotional. I cry for hours every day and worry incessantly about everything. What if Kyle gets sick of my crazy and decides not to come home to me after work one day? What if he dies in a car accident on the way home? What if one of my kids chokes or stops breathing or gets kidnapped in the night? What if my doctor stops believing me or thinks this isn't real or tells me I need to find a new doctor? What if everyone I love stops caring about me and I'm left all alone? What if this medication never helps and there is nothing out there to make me better? And then I worry that if I tell someone all of these things, they will feel burdened or think I'm exaggerating or stop loving me.

This is day in and day out for the last couple of weeks, except for a few good hours. It's exhausting and irrational. Sometimes I can see how irrational it is, but that still doesn't take away my racing heart and shaking legs and tightening throat. So I cry, mostly alone, and wonder where and when I will find peace.

Right now, we're sticking with this same medication, trying to be patient to give it the best shot at working, and desperately praying for better days to come. There have to be better days ahead.