Another Year Later

Two year ago, this day changed my life.  It still makes me want to cry when I think about it-- what happened, how it affected me for so long, and how it is still a painful part of me.

One year ago, this day changed my life again, but this time for the better.  I shared this part of my story, and for the first time, I really felt like I had a voice that needed to be heard on the topics of suicide prevention and understanding severe depression.  I never would have thought that any of this would have been my life, but being able to find little ways to turn my past darkness into light for someone else fills me with purpose.  

Today, I am happy.  I still have days when I struggle with things, especially overcoming the traumatic memories and triggers from being severely depressed for such a long time, but overall, I'm much happier.  I'm thankful to still be here, thankful to be able to work hard to find my whole peace again, and thankful to feel hope.  I wish I could somehow wrap that hope and happy ending to my story in a little box to give to anyone who is struggling with thoughts of suicide.  Oh what I would have given to have been able to receive that from someone else when I needed it.

So I guess you'll just have to trust me.  Trust me that sticking around is worth it.  Trust me that the people around you really truly want you here, that they for sure wouldn't be better off without you.  I can tell you that they would be devastated to lose you.  *I* would be devastated to lose you.  Trust me that there are people around you who want to and are able to help you.  Mine was a long journey that involved so many different people somehow coming together in the most perfect way to provide me with the help I desperately needed.  The same can happen for you!  Trust me that someday you will be glad you stayed.  Where I'm at now has a really great view, and it keeps getting better.

For so long, I thought I was destined to die from depression, but now I'm learning what it's like to live again, and it's a beautiful life!

Infertility Awareness

 #VulnerableMoment  #Ugh

Apparently this week is #NationalInfertilityAwarenessWeek, and honestly my heart has hurt so much recently given our baby situation. I know I have two beautiful kids, and I can be happy if our family has to end here, but my heart aches for one more baby to complete our family. This happens each time I get to a good place medication-wise. I want to go off right away and have a baby. Except now, I am really struggling with the thought of going off and facing darkness again. It seems like too much to bear, which leaves me feeling a sense of selfishness that I don't know if I'm willing to go there for the sake of having another baby. We have a tentative plan for if/when I'm ready, but who knows if it will work in successfully getting pregnant or if my body will be able to keep that baby alive.  All of it hurts so much and sometimes feels like if I were a better mom then maybe it would have worked out the last two times.  I know that's not really true, but sometimes that's how I feel.

Anyway, a friend wrote a beautiful blog post that resonated with me. Here is some of what she said that I've really been feeling:

"What is secondary infertility?

It’s remembering how much you loved feeling the movements inside the womb and never getting to feel that again.

It’s imagining the bond that your current children will create as they meet and get to know their baby brother or sister and never being able to experience it.

It’s hearing your kids talk about how they want to have more siblings that they can play with, and wishing you could have given that to them a long time ago.

It’s keeping all of your baby clothes for years for your future children only to have to get rid of them without ever using them again.

It’s loving your little family with all of your heart, and also feeling like it will never feel complete.

It’s feeling lots of emotions when friends have babies while you can’t, and then feeling guilty that you feel all those things because you love them, are genuinely happy for them, and would never want them to not be able to have more.

It’s dealing with the normal emotions of having had your last child, without getting to cherish any “lasts” because you never thought you wouldn’t be able to have more.

It’s being absolutely certain that there is another child waiting to join your family, and then being just as certain that it’s okay to be done, and not knowing how to reconcile that."

Side note: I can completely truthfully promise that I am so overjoyed at the success of my friends and family in having more kids. Really, I am. It only stings sometimes, because I am human and my heart wishes for that success in my own family too.  It's so hard to explain that emotion without sounding like I'm just not happy for someone else, so please try to understand what I'm saying and know that I truly am happy for you!! I hope my day is coming, but if not, I will always be thankful for my two sweet kids who made me a mom.

The Savior

The most hopeful little corner of my house.  I put all my trust in the promise that Christ can and will and is currently doing this for me.  These words bring me comfort and peace.