Triggers are a very interesting thing. This summer has been truly magical for so many reasons that I PROMISE I will share later (in fact, I'm so excited to share them). But for now, I want to share this. Every once in a while, I stumble on a trigger that kicks me to the ground.
A couple of weeks ago, we had plans to go camping as a family. It was when we got home from camping at Glacier last summer that everything crashed down, so the thought of going camping again terrified me. I couldn't get past the thought that everything I experienced last year was going to happen again because of camping. I cried and felt such great anxiety leading up to our trip. I talked to my counselor and Kyle about it which helped so much. We were able to go forward with our camping plans, and everything went so well (despite me getting COVID the second day and feeling so sick that we had to come home a few hours early on the third day).
Then, Kyle was supposed to go on a father's son campout. Being without Kyle for a night is a HUGE trigger for me. It didn't used to be like this, but now it scares me so much because of a few past experiences with him being gone and bad things happening. He understands me more than anyone else and knows what to do when I am struggling, so it's so incredibly hard and scary to have him gone. We are slowly working on this in little, tiny, manageable baby steps, and I am doing everything I can to keep up the hope that we can overcome this huge hurdle. Thankfully (?) he got COVID as well and wasn't able to go, which was a huge blessing in disguise, because I was still recovering from COVID too and was not mentally in a place to be able to handle facing a fear of that magnitude.
Then came the day that was one year since we got home from Glacier, the evening last year when I had a massive panic attack and that was the start of months of struggle. I was so scared of this day coming. What if it all happened again? What if everything repeated, and I wasn't able to handle it this time? Nothing bad ended up happening, and I gained confidence after making it through that day and night that I'm okay, despite some bumps in our road still. And I can continue to be okay for some future dates that will inevitably bring back painful memories.
Finally, last night, I was going through some old cards and letters I've saved for years. I decided to add the hearts from so many people that I saved from when I came home from the hospital last August. Reading through them, remembering what that time was like, remembering how far we were from finding a solution at that point, remembering all the love and hope that was shared, remembering my reaction to seeing my house completely covered in hearts when I got home, it all washed over me, and I feel very emotional about it today.
It hurts seeing what our life is now compared to how it used to be. It hurts seeing how very far I have to go in overcoming the trauma and pain of what these last 6 years but especially the last year have done to me. As hard as it is at times, I am so thankful for Kyle, my kids, my tribe of people who would do whatever I need, and seeing my progress and how far I've come. Who knows how long these triggers will keep appearing and taking my breath away as they punch me in the gut? But I do believe I will be okay. Somehow, some way, I will always be okay.
Photo credit to the amazing Brooklyn who is learning photography and rocking at it!
