I've had all of these thoughts swirling around in my mind for such a long time and haven't known how to articulate them, but I have to get them out, so I'll try my best. These thoughts have brought such waves of emotion, this lump in my throat feeling that I could cry so easily, but I haven't wanted to because I know it won't change anything about our situation.
It started with Garrett's birthday. For some reason, that day brought this unexpected, overwhelming reminder that we will only ever have two kids, that he will forever be my youngest. I never thought it would be this way, and it often feels like it was never supposed to be this way.
Then, I had this vivid dream one night that I had just had a baby. I was so happy in the dream. I can't put into words what that happiness felt like. I couldn't wait to show my sweet, perfect baby to anyone and everyone around me. I knew they would be so surprised and excited with me. Everything felt right and complete in my world. It all seemed so tangibly real. And then I woke up, and it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces again. I couldn't help but cry on and off all day long.
Next, it was National Rainbow Baby Day. I couldn't help but think of how I will never get that rainbow baby I've dreamed of. I remembered how the day after finding out our baby (#3) no longer had a heartbeat, a beautiful rainbow filled the sky. It felt like this sign of hope that our rainbow would come. The next three weeks brought six more rainbows. I had never seen so many in my life so close together. On the day I had surgery to remove that perfect lifeless baby, another rainbow filled the sky. There it was. Another promise, I thought, that our rainbow was coming. I just had to be patient and wait. A while later, I went through the excruciating process of going off my depression medication to try to have that one last baby to complete our family. After three months, I found out I was pregnant, but no sooner had I found out I was pregnant when we lost that baby too. And yet, as I took a step outside to get some fresh air that day, another rainbow appeared. It seemed so clear. Our rainbow would come. It had to. I couldn't comprehend my life going on any other way. I decided I would wait a while and then try one more time and it would work. I was certain. But unfortunately, my whole world came crashing down before then. After being in the hospital three times in four months for depression and anxiety, it became abundantly clear and we were very strongly directed not to have any more babies. My risk of developing postpartum psychosis was very high given my history and the fact that my depression is caused by a hormone problem, so it simply wasn't going to be a possibility to grow our family anymore.
Today the memory popped up on my Facebook that on this day in 2019, I had that surgery and saw that beautiful rainbow.
I've thought so much about rainbows in the last while and have come to the conclusion that maybe all the rainbows I saw weren't meant to be promises or bring hope for another baby, although they seemed that way at the time. Maybe instead, they were God's way of telling me that He was there through my heartache. That I wasn't alone. That better days were sure to come, and they have.
Now when I see a rainbow, I mostly feel peace. Peace that I have two sweet, beautiful kids who bless my life beyond measure. Peace that everything happens for some reason, even if that reason is still very unclear to me. Peace that everything will still be okay, even if it gets bad again for a time. Peace that everything that feels unfair in this life will someday be made okay. Peace that this isn't my fault. And peace that it's okay to grieve and feel heartache when it comes, because that's all part of the healing process.
