Since last Sunday when the darkness was darker than it had ever been before, I have experienced so much joy. These are just a few of the things that have brought me joy:
- We had a thunder storm on Sunday evening. I absolutely LOVE thunderstorms, and this one was no exception. Since I was in an emotional storm myself, the thunderstorm brought comfort and peace to my heart. It helped me feel that God was very aware of me and that He was going to bless me if I could just hold on through the raging storm in my heart.
- For FHE, we watched home videos. These made my heart swell with love for my current family and for my future family. It helped me realize that I do still have love in my heart and that I can be a good mom to another child whenever the time comes. Everything is going to be okay.
- My daughter has been a little lovebug this week, to the point that I've had to occasionally ask for some space from all the hugs and snuggles. She has been telling me constantly that she loves me and that we're best friends. This little girl is an angel in my life. She helps me have a reason to get up every morning, and she keeps me smiling when it seems like there is no reason to smile. She is definitely a gift from God!
- One day, I had the energy to take Brooklyn to the zoo. It was the perfect day to go and gave me this "good mom moment" feeling that boosted me up. I wish I could do more fun things with Brooklyn every day like we used to, but I'm also thankful for these sporadic moments that help me appreciate every little bit I am able to do now.
- One morning, I had enough ambition to get ready early and go outside to take some pictures. Photography has been a source of joy for me the past few months and makes me feel thankful for the beautiful world I get to live in and for God's love in creating so much beauty.
- I have been filling my time with a little something I like to call "crochet therapy." Seriously, crocheting gives me something to do that is calming and relaxing while still helping me feel accomplished for doing something. My husband has been so patient with me too in recognizing that some days this is just what I need to get through, and other days I will do the productive things I should be doing every day.
- One afternoon, when the light first started to return, my husband had to work late, so I decided I should do a little project to "work late" too and show him how much I appreciate him. I organized a shelf that he has been wanting organized for a while. I was so happy that I had the motivation and strength to do that, especially since it would have been completely too much to do just a day or two before.
- God has blessed me with absolutely incredible friends, friends who call or text to check on me, who worry about me, who are willing to talk and listen anytime, and who genuinely want for my happiness. They bless my life so much!
- Since my husband worked late one day, he got off early on Friday. I asked what he wanted to do, and he said that he wanted to deep clean. I know this is not what he wanted to do, and up until all of this started I was able to keep up just fine, but I was so thankful for his help in cleaning. Mostly I just needed someone to be there so I wouldn't get overwhelmed in the process (or before I even started haha), but he did so much cleaning too, and it helped me to take a deep breath and have a fresh start at trying to keep up with everything. I did not know what a gem I was given when I married him, but he really is amazing and has made all of this struggle possible and even joyful.
- I have not thought about wanting to die or give up in 2 days!!! You probably don't realize what a miracle that is, but I'm pretty sure these unwanted, nagging, penetrating thoughts haven't left for several months, even when I thought I was feeling well. And now they've been gone for an entire 2 days!
I wish this light would stay, because I know the darkness will most likely come again, but I am so so thankful for the light and joy I've felt these last couple of days and for how it has lifted me up again and given me the strength to combat more darkness when it comes. And I am holding firm to my goal to find joy through this next bout of darkness. It will not destroy me or take away my joy in this beautiful life I am living.