After having a few days of light, I feel like I get a slow-leaking hole, a hole that drains my light little by little until something pops and the remaining light leaves at once. Usually that "something" is an event, not a huge event that would warrant a pop, but an event nonetheless. Sometimes it's a small change in plans that my broken brain just can't handle, a bit of criticism that I can't seem to get out of my mind, or the realization that I'm just not keeping up with everything I should be doing.
These last few days have been slow-leaking days. I can tell that the light is leaving, and something will make my hole pop soon, but it hasn't happened yet. I can feel the darkness slowly creeping in and filling the places that were once completely occupied with light.
For now, I'm holding strong and trying not to let myself slip into that deep dark hole, but I know I can only keep it up for so long. I'm still appreciating the light and trying to soak up every last bit of it, but I know it is leaving. No matter how much I try not to think about it, I can't help but worry about what is coming next. Will it be like last time? Will I want nothing more for myself than to be gone forever? Will I remember that light exists, that I've had light in my life before, and that the light will come again? Will I remember to just hold on?
There is no saying what is to come or how deep the darkness will get, but I have a firm faith that somehow it will all be okay. I might not understand next week or next month how I feel right now that it will all be okay, but it really will be. Somehow all the broken pieces of my heart will be bound together again, just like they have been the last 28 cycles. This one will be no different.
And just as it is an event that usually makes all the light leave at once, it is also usually an event that allows the light to start coming back in. The light comes back every time. Without fail. That is one thing I can trust.