These last couple of weeks, I have pulled back a lot. I haven't wanted to share anything on here or with anyone in person. When someone asks how I'm doing, I just say that I'm fine, even though I'm not. I smile in front of everyone and pretend that everything is better, but it's not.
Some days, I tell myself that this is my new normal, so I can't keep asking for help 7 months later. Some days, I'm simply too tired to ask for help, because I'd rather just sleep until it's better. Some days, I wish someone knew how hard it is, but I can't bring myself to tell anyone. It's just too much and too hard. So I hold it in every day. I usually don't even cry anymore. I hold everything in and hope that it will go away if I don't acknowledge it.
I know this isn't healthy. I know asking for help doesn't expire and that I have wonderful friends who would drop anything to come help me. I know it's okay to cry and not to be alright. I know all of these things, but it doesn't change what I do.
I've never felt more alone in my life than I have the last few weeks. It's not anyone's fault but my own. I just don't know how to handle something that isn't short-term, something that doesn't resolve itself right away or in the near future, something that is long and hard and emotional and tiring, something that requires asking for help and crying in front of people over and over and over again.
Lately, I have to constantly remind myself that this blog is not dumb or annoying to people, and if it is, that they can just scroll past the links if they don't want to read what I write. I have to remind myself that this is real and that what I write is real, not someone asking for attention or sympathy. I have to remember that people need vulnerability and honesty, especially people walking the same road, so it's okay if my life is not perfectly wrapped up and tied with a bow yet, even 7 months later.
I guess I've just hit a really rough patch of having to learn how to live with something that may never get fully better or may require me receiving help often. How I feel right now will get better, and hopefully I can navigate through this and help someone else, but until then, I will do my best to share when I feel like I can share and pull back when I need some of my own space.
I CAN FIND JOY EVEN THROUGH THIS! (I say this to myself about 10,000 times a day right now)