After weeks of discouragement because of the deep darkness I was facing and my inability to get an appointment before April, a friend helped me get an appointment for yesterday, and I was able to start on an anti-depressant last Friday morning. This brought so much hope to my heart and lifted my spirits greatly feeling that maybe things will get better soon. Friday evening, I suddenly and randomly started to get this feeling of having a panic attack. It so closely resembled the strong feeling that used to cycle with the depression before getting pregnant with Garrett, but it had been a long time since I had experienced it. I disregarded it thinking that maybe I was anxious, because I was playing a musical number and helping with a discussion at church on Sunday. This feeling of anxiety continued to build, and I thought that maybe I would have to reschedule my musical number, because the fearful feeling was so strong! I went forward with the music and barely made it through the song. I hadn't felt something so powerful in such a long time.
After the music and the discussion on Sunday, the tightening feeling in my chest and throat, my racing heart, the feeling that everything inside my body was moving at such a fast speed, my inability to sleep much at night, and my racing thoughts continued, despite not having anything to be anxious about. At my appointment yesterday, I told the doctor about this feeling. He said that this is a classic, textbook reaction to taking an anti-depressant if you have bipolar. He wants me to keep taking the medication for a few more weeks just to make sure that this isn't circumstantial anxiety, but as long as this feeling continues, he feels clear on the direction to move forward.
I don't like this feeling of constant panic. It's very uncomfortable and exhausting, but I feel so much hope that we are moving in the right direction and that my relief will come soon.
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