Crappy Friend-Itis

Let me just put something out there.  Depression should be called "Crappy Friend-Itis," because it makes me a crappy friend.  I shouldn't say it makes me a crappy friend, because I know that I am responsible for my actions, but I feel like it somewhat "makes" me, for several reasons:

1. I am forced to take my list of 100 things I have to, need to, want to, and should do and condense it down into about 3 things.  Really, that's all I can handle.  That's all my broken brain can comprehend and do without becoming completely overwhelmed.  Since I have to simplify so much, I have to choose my priorities very carefully, and honestly, my family is my top priority.  If I have leftover time, energy, or desire to be with friends, then I can, but I have to keep my family at the top and so many other things have to go most days, including but not limited to, spending time with friends.
2. Every day feels like this intense battle for my desire to keep going.  I hate admitting that every time I do, but really, every day is this battle to not give up, to keep pushing, and to keep trying, even when I feel like there is no purpose to anything I do, that this will never get better, and that it would be so much better if it could all be done.  Somehow in this raging storm, I don't have the mental capacity to think about very many other things.  I always remember to feed, clothe, and take care of my daughter, but taking care of anyone else (including myself sometimes) or reaching out to anyone is basically off my radar.  Sometimes I literally forget that I could text, call, or invite someone to do something, because I spend so much of my day trying to survive, trying to focus on finding joy in anything I can, and trying to not get overwhelmed about the very little I do.
3. I really do love being with people for short periods of time, but I get so exhausted now.  I'm not sure if it's that I feel like I have to pretend or that I would rather be laying in bed, but spending time with people takes so much effort and feels completely zapping after.  This is why I want to do things with friends, but I almost always wait for someone else to reach out.  I find it very difficult to scrounge up the motivation and the energy to reach out and ask someone to do something that I already know will be very exhausting, so I have stepped back from taking that role.  I try occasionally, but it is very hard, and I very rarely think of it.
4. I'm different now.  I've changed.  And I realize that not all of these changes have been for the better.  I don't reciprocate love the way I would if this wasn't a part of my life.  In fact, most of the time, I don't feel loving, caring emotions at all.  I hardly ever have the desire to put forth the energy and effort to have fun or to be a fun person.  Thus, I'm probably not a very good person to have as a friend while these issues are ever-present.
5. I never know when I am going to have a moment of light that breaks through the ubiquitous darkness, so I never know when to plan as a good time to spend time with people.  I wish I could predict and know, but I can't.  And because I want to be someone who is responsible and trustworthy, I really struggle with making a commitment to do something and then having to change it later due to how I am feeling that day.  So I don't reach out.  I just can't most of the time.  It doesn't make sense, but it is very real!

I'm sure these sound like excuses, but I PROMISE that they aren't.  I promise that I am trying my best.  I promise that what looks like very little effort is actually a pretty large effort.  I promise that I will continue working on being the kind of friend I know I should be, but sometimes certain things are beyond my control for the time being, and I have to learn to accept that.

Please, PLEASE try to understand.  I'm trying my best, I do care, but I have so little to offer right now.  And I'm just holding fast to the hope that things won't always be this way.