Remembering the Good

I wrote this yesterday:

Last week, we went on vacation, and it was oh so good for me.  It was exactly everything I needed.  It wasn't perfect, as far as my emotions went, and I did spend a couple nights crying myself to sleep, but somehow, I could hold it in almost perfectly for the whole week.  It didn't take over my days with my family.  I could enjoy and love and feel.  It was heavenly and definitely a beautiful tender mercy.  That precious time I spent with my family is sacred in my mind, and I get somewhat teary-eyed when I think about it.  It was just everything I needed. 

We're home now, and the happiness from our vacation is still here.  I was worried and overwhelmed the night before coming home that all the difficulties would return as soon as we walked through the front door of our cute little apartment.  I couldn't go back to that.  I couldn't go back to the darkness, the guilt, the deep emotions.  I wanted to stay on this sacred vacation forever and let things continue the way they could be.  Of course, we had to go home, but by the goodness of God, I still feel great.  These last few days, I have felt like I can finally be the wife and mom I dream of being everyday and just can't be most days.  I still feel the tender emotions of love and happiness, and the light is so bright and refreshing in my life right now.  I hope it stays for a very long time!

I didn't share it yet, because I didn't have time to finish writing before needing to do something else, but I intended on sharing it later with some kind of positive, uplifting quote attached to the end of it.  I really thought the light might last forever.  Surely, if I felt so good for a few days, then nothing could stop the light from flowing into my life and the love from filling my whole heart.  Nothing but bipolar disorder.

Last night, things quickly changed.  Suddenly the light was gone.  I had no warning this was coming.  And in place of the light, all of the terrifying emotions returned.  I was so scared.  I wanted to be angry.  Why can't the good last forever?  Why can't I just be the wife and mom I desperately want to be?  Why does this have to be a part of my life?  I knew anger wouldn't get me anywhere, but I really wanted to be bitter.  It just didn't feel fair.  And it hurt.  I sat in the same room as my husband, but hid under a blanket and cried.  I couldn't tell him that these dreadful emotions were back and that I didn't know when they would leave again.  I couldn't tell him that the perfect life we had lived for a week and a half was over, and that things weren't good again.  I cried, prayed, texted a friend, and tried to read uplifting conference talks on my phone for the span of an entire movie.  I was going to tell my husband about how I was feeling, but I decided to go to bed instead.

Today I feel a little better.  I'm trying to remember and cherish those precious moments with my family.  I have once again decided that being bitter is not an option for me and that I'll keep fighting with all the strength I have in me.  Things will get better sometime, and my heart will feel peace again.  I just have to patiently wait for that time to come.

I consider it a tender mercy that I sat down to write a few words about how good things were just before the goodness left.  It still hurts that the light is gone, and there's nothing I can do to get it back except wait for this storm to pass, but I am so thankful for the light that I had for a few days, the light that reminded me of who I can be without this and that gave me a refreshing break from the darkness.