Part of me wants to be so angry and upset, to question "why me?," and to not try to pick back up from this, but another *better* part of me knows that bitterness will never get me anywhere. I must keep going. I must keep trying to find joy even through this devastation.
I knew this was probably coming. I knew that the high of mania that I have been experiencing (that I finally took the time to write about just before it changed... haha) wouldn't last forever. But it didn't really sink in completely that I would face something so horrible again.
Currently, I am not taking any medications and haven't been since June. In December, I started taking lithium and Zoloft. After 3 dose increases and still only minimal progress with the mania and depression, we switched to latuda. This switch was twofold. We knew we needed to switch to something new to try to help me feel better, but also latuda is the only bipolar medication approved for pregnancy, so we switched to that one with the hope of being able to have another baby soon (of course through inspiration and prayer which I will share in another post at a later date).
The first two months after taking the latuda, my mania improved dramatically. It was like night and day. Suddenly, the mania turned into a very pleasant high and was a welcomed relief after each phase of deep depression. It was the time I could catch up on things, feel like myself, and feel some of the good emotions that were missing for so long. Unfortunately, at the same time, this medication made my depression much worse, to the point of me feeling absolutely no hope during that phase and thinking about dying hundreds of times a day. It also made me very sleepy, so sleepiness combined with severe depression meant having very intense struggles to even get out of bed.
By the end of the two months, my mania went away completely, and I spent the next few weeks in this unrelenting depression. It was getting worse by the day, so I told my psychiatrist. She upped the dose with the hope that it would maybe improve my depression. After taking the increased dose for only 2 weeks, I knew that I couldn't take it anymore. Those two weeks, I was so tired that I could only stay awake for a few hours each day. I hoped this would improve as I got used to the medication, but the psychiatrist told me the unfortunate news that this would not improve over time if that was how my body reacted to it.
Feeling like there was no other option and under the direction of the psychiatrist, I stopped taking the medication. I felt relieved stopping it and went on a wonderful vacation with my family the next week. I was happy to be awake and feeling relatively well for that precious time with my family.
Shortly after, my cycles began switching again with my mania staying very enjoyable. It was such a blessing to have that time, and I am holding onto the hope that I can get there again.
After almost two months of being off the medication and still doing well with the mania, I thought and hoped and even prayed that it would stay like this forever. We could just quickly have a baby (because we know this is right for our family at this time, even though it will be very difficult for me... I promise that post will come soon) and then figure out something else later.
But this last week all the good emotions that have been filling my mania left as I endured a very difficult and painful mania. Part of the hurt came from the actual symptoms I was experiencing, and the other part was from the memory of all I endured before we got this under control. It's so hard taking a step back, especially into something so difficult to understand and endure, but I know that good things will come in time.
We are exploring further options at this time and hoping to find something that will at least provide some relief while we attempt to grow our family. As my mind feels so weighed down by the fear that things are going to get even harder in the coming weeks, I find relief in looking for joy and the evidence of God's abundant blessings all around me:
- I am LOVING my haircut! Seriously, it's so fun having short hair, and it has motivated me to do my hair every morning since getting it cut!! Just the small act of doing my hair every morning has made me feel better. I feel like I am doing something to make myself feel good, and I genuinely enjoy getting ready in the morning again!
- Yesterday was the first good day I've had at church in weeks or months. I didn't struggle at all! It felt like the greatest blessing I could ever have!
- I got a new sewing machine (my last one faced a tragic death after smashing down on the concrete at the hands of my 2-year-old), and I have really enjoyed sewing to fight my struggles. Something about creating with my hands makes me feel calm.
- A few people have told me about specific ways that my blog has helped them. My heart and mind have been filled with clarity that my struggles have a purpose, because I can use every devastating experience I face to uplift and hopefully bless another. This makes all the pain worth it!
- Two Sundays ago, I had a very hard day. But for the first time in a while, I didn't hold in the pain and endure the three hours. I let it out. I cried nearly all three hours of church, and my broken heart was wrapped in so much love from the kind people who love, care, and selflessly want to help. My life has been beyond blessed by the wonderful people God has handpicked to be in my life at this time.
- My husband and daughter have continued to show unconditional love and bring me overflowing joy as they help me through this difficult time. I will never have to face my struggles alone with them by my side.
I am blessed, really really blessed! I know that I can get through whatever devastation comes my way as long as I trust in God and have the courage to search for the joy that is all around me. Someday all of this will be made right, and I will have the privilege of seeing the complete, perfect purpose to this painful time, and I'm sure that will be glorious! For now, I am holding onto anything that resembles hope and trusting in good days ahead.
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