8 Good Months

I have had 8 glorious, beautiful, wonderful, light-filled months.  That's honestly the longest I have gone without struggling with depression in the last 6 years.  Before that, my record was 4 months.  And that's about it.  1 year in the last 6 years has been good and depression-free. 

In the last couple of weeks, I have felt the darkness of depression creeping back into my life.  I'm sure it's partly the weather-- dark, cold, and depression seem to go hand-in-hand.  I'm sure it's also partly the fact that I'm still not getting as much sleep as I need with a baby who needs me in the night.  And then, of course, there's the fact that my baby is difficult and cries on and off most of the day.  It's wearing and exhausting.  But whatever the cause, I have felt the darkness creeping back in, slowly and steadily.

First, it was a night when my husband was gone, and I cried for a couple of hours about how I was sure that I was a terrible wife and mom, and he deserves better than me.  Thankfully, he came home, wrapped me in his arms, and reassured me that he loves me and needs me. 

Then, it was another night when I had made a mistake, and I was positive that my husband would stop loving me and would leave me if I told him.  Once again, thankfully, he wrapped me in his arms and helped me see things clearly.

And finally, it was another night (hmm... notice a pattern?) when I was at church for the women's session of General Conference.  I was already feeling the emotion filling inside of me when one speaker started talking about how mothers are primarily responsible for gospel teaching in the home.  Suddenly, the tears started flowing as I felt so much inadequacy, fear, and panic.  As soon as he was done talking, I ran out of the room and cried in the bathroom until the meeting was over.  I was positive that I was not cut out for the task and was failing.  This time, I knew what to do.  After some hugs and comforting words from friends, I hurried home, melted into my husband's arms, and felt his calm reassurance that I am not failing at this.  Once he started listing off things I have done/am doing, my mind could see clearer and my heart felt some peace. 

All of these times, the depression was so deceptive.  I was 100%, positively, unmistakably sure that what I felt was true.  It didn't seem like there could be any other way.  It wasn't until my husband acted as my eyes for truth that I could see clearly. 

I'm not sure that I'm ready for this again.  The last few times I have struggled, it has been at least a year before things improved.  That's such a long time to look ahead and see struggle.  But I've done it before, and I can do it again.  I'm guessing more writing about joy is coming in the future.  I think I'm going to need it.