My Husband's Side of our Journey

For some time, Shantelle has been wanting me (Kyle, her husband) to write something about my side of her struggles. I have been putting it off mostly because I am a pretty closed person who doesn’t like to let anyone in on the mystery that is Kyle’s emotions. This type of post has the smell of probing into my feelings, so I have avoided it, but Shantelle has put together a list of questions that I could answer, so I suppose I can manage that. Just don’t expect me to get all mushy gushy about it. The most personal parts will remain unwritten.

I should also preface this by pointing out that I don’t have all the answers. If I did, I suppose we would cease to have a problem, because I could just solve everything. Unfortunately, I can’t solve all our problems, but I have learned a little from them, so I will share some of what has worked for us and hope that it might help others. Here I go.

How has your perspective on mental health changed?

Before I married Shantelle, I had very little knowledge about mental illness. I think that is the case for many who have never struggled with it personally. We can be kind of oblivious to the internal struggles of others. To describe my way of thinking, I need to describe me. I think I would classify my emotions as logical and steady. Steady, because I rarely deviate from the norm emotionally speaking, and logical, because if I do deviate from the norm, there is always a direct reason. If something gets me down, I simply identify the reason and remedy the problem. Of course, I can’t always fix the problem, but I can at least almost always identify the reason, which makes sadness easier to deal with. 

I assumed that everyone ought to have the same control over their feelings as I did, so it was difficult to understand depression. To be honest, I rarely gave it a thought. I do remember a few times in my early adult life talking about someone who had depression. I was somewhat sympathetic toward their situation, but at the same time, I secretly felt that they must be grossly exaggerating and that they just needed to buck up and get over it. To me, there was always this question, “If something makes you feel that bad, why don’t you just identify the source and then work on solving the problem?” Easy right?

Wrong. I, of course, tried to solve Shantelle’s problems using that method of thinking, and soon realized that there is not always a direct reason for the way she feels. Sadly, that meant that there also was not a direct solution. I have come to understand that thoughts caused by mental illness don’t make sense, so it’s hard to apply a logical solution. I also know now that there is no “just getting over it.” Those who struggle with this trial are not weak or lazy. They have a real illness that requires real strength to get through each day. I don’t think I will ever understand exactly how Shantelle feels, but I at least understand that her trials are real and that she is giving her all in the fight to conquer them.

How do you support her?

1. Resist the urge to fix it-- Fixing things is what husbands do, but we can’t just fix this and trying usually makes things worse.
2. Listen-- Shantelle often needs to vent, so always being willing to listen is helpful.
3. Make her cry-- This sounds counterintuitive, but most of the time when Shantelle is in a real funk, she won’t get out of it without crying. She usually will cry on her own, but sometimes she gets angry with herself. When that happens, she will not cry. She just angrily attacks herself with lies, and it just escalates. I can hear a difference in her voice, and I know that I need to intervene. At those times, I have to pretty firmly tell her in a stern voice that she needs to stop, that she knows what she is saying is not true, and that it’s time to stop. She always melts into my arms, the tension leaves her body, and she just sobs. I typically have to change my tear and booger soaked shirt afterwards, but her mood makes a turn for the better after that.
4. Hold her close-- Hugs are magic and I have an unlimited supply, so I use them. Also, tying back into making her cry, she doesn’t like me to see her cry, so she needs to bury her face in my chest. (She doesn’t know that I know this about her, so don’t tell her, but the trend suggests that it’s true. She always either hides in another room or sticks her face into me. More boogery shirts. Yuck!)
5. Help her get some traction-- Even with depression, Shantelle does a pretty good job of keeping up with life. Sometimes, however, she gets a bit behind, and getting caught back up is more than she can handle. For example, Shantelle typically does the dishes while I’m at work. She usually can keep up with the day-to-day dishes, but sometimes she gets a bit behind because of other things in her schedule, extra dishes for a particular meal, or whatever reason. When she isn’t feeling well, a big pile of dishes is just too overwhelming to even start on. I simply do the dishes, I am declared the hero of the kitchen, and she can now keep up with daily tasks again. To sum it up, I try to be a good spouse. If I see something that she usually does that she hasn’t gotten to, I help out. (This may blow everyone’s mind, but this actually is a really good idea even if your spouse doesn’t have a mental illness.)
6. Make sure her needs are being met-- When Shantelle isn’t feeling well she often neglects her own physical needs like eating, drinking, sleeping, and exercising. I try to notice these things and encourage/make her do them.
7. Make cheesy jokes-- I am the king of bad jokes, and I distribute them in abundance. Silliness can go a long way in lightening the mood, and laughter is a great medicine. One example is that I call her the depressed super hero-- I hope nobody finds this offensive. I just think it fits because she tries hard to use her depression, AKA her super power, as a means to help others. Anyway, we both get a chuckle out of it and out of many other bad jokes of the like. By the way, nobody else is allowed to call her that. ;)
8. Remind her how wonderful she is and that she experiences good times too-- Depression is like this filter on her mind that will not let her remember anything but flaws and sorrow. She gets herself down thinking that she is a terrible mother, wife, and person. Also thinking that her life has always been miserable and that she has never experienced anything but sadness makes her believe that sadness is all she has to look forward to in the future. I was so surprised the first time she said negative things about herself. I couldn’t believe that anyone would think that about such an amazing person. Now that I recognize the depression filter I am prepared to argue with her, and this is an argument that I can win. After all, she gives me loads of ammunition. I simply remind her of specific good things that she has done in the recent past and happy moments that she has had. I also try to remind her in the good moments that things are good and that she is good. At good moments I like to just ask, “Are you happy right now?” She kind of gives me a little smile, sometimes without even answering, because by now she knows my purpose is to help her identify happy moments.

What has been hard about her struggles with depression? 

1. Nothing is logical-- I am very logic-minded, so throwing logic out the window is very difficult to me.
2. Not being able to fix it-- It’s very hard seeing a loved one suffer without the power to make it better.
3. Not knowing how she feels-- I don’t think I’ll ever know how she feels, so I can’t really relate. I feel like this limits how much I can help her. In fact, she finds comfort in talking with others who can relate more, which is a little hard also, seeing that she has to go elsewhere to fill a need that I am unable to fill.

How has this affected your marriage?

I believe that it has strengthened our marriage. It has forced Shantelle to rely on me more and forced me to care about her more. It provides us with a common enemy for us to unify us as we fight it, and it also helps us to keep our priorities straight. I think we are much closer than we would have been without it.

What advice would you give to someone going through the same thing with a spouse?

You, your spouse, your relationship, and your family are all very unique, so the way you act must be unique as well. The best you can do is love your spouse, make them and your relationship the highest priority, be selfless and patient, and use trial and error to figure out what works best for you. Others can give suggestions of things that may or may not work, but in the end, your solution will be tailor-made by you, and will likely continuously evolve. 

How do you keep yourself from spiraling into the darkness with her? How do you remain positive through this challenge? When you are feeling down, what do you do to help yourself? How do you stay on top of things (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) when your wife is buried in anxiety and depression? What do you do for self-care?

Like I explained above, I am just naturally pretty steady emotionally, so I have little issue with getting down. I do need regular alone time just to let my thoughts unwind. Shantelle used to always try to ask probing questions to get me to vent my supposed pent up feelings. She was sure that I was just holding them all in and needed to talk about them. She has since learned that I’m not like that. I really don’t need to talk about most things, I just need some alone time to think about them and that’s it. I guess we are a perfect match. She floods me with her emotions, and I just let it all roll off. 

How do you know when to step in and when to let her have time to herself?

I don’t think there is a formula for this. You just have to take the time to get to know your spouse. Like I said when I was talking about making her cry, I sometimes can tell by the tone of her voice, but other times not so much. Asking questions helps and learning the right questions to ask. For example, “How are you?” gets me a “fine” or “good.” It can be better to ask, “How is your day going so far?” “How are you feeling right now?” “Do you want to talk?” “Do you just need some time alone?” Or to determine if you need to step in with meeting physical needs, “Have you eaten today?” “How much water have you drank today?” “Have you taken your medicine/vitamins?” Sometimes I step in when I shouldn’t, and sometimes I wait too long to step in. She has to be patient with me too. She knows I love her and am trying, just like I know she loves me and is trying. In our case, I find it’s better to error on the side of stepping in. If it is done lovingly, it will be appreciated, even when not needed. 

How do you talk to your kids about these challenges? 

I haven’t really talked to them much about it. Brooklyn is getting old enough to start understanding, so we will have to soon. I’m open to suggestions.

What fears do you have about your wife's struggle?

Probing Alert! Probing Alert! This question probes too deep into the inner feelings of a man. A macho-generated answer will be submitted.

  I am fearless.