October

 Last October was the worst month I have ever experienced.  Over the previous few years, I usually had a couple of -10s on my mood chart every month, representing the most intense suicidal lows, but that month, there were 25.  I was seemingly stuck in the darkest depths of depression imaginable and constantly wondered if I would ever get out.  Every day, I would tell myself that I had to stay for that day, but then I could give up the next day.  And then the next day, I would tell myself the same thing again.  Living more than one day at a time was impossible to comprehend in my state, so that was what it took to survive.  

One morning, I was sitting on my couch crying.  The tears wouldn’t stop, and neither would the persistent thoughts that I was not strong enough for this continuous battle.  I felt broken and feared that I was broken beyond repair.  Every part of my body hurt with my heart as I prayed that someday my mind would find relief.  

And then I got an idea.  I would make a list of things I had to look forward to in the next while, things that could make my life worth living just a little longer and that I wanted to make sure I was still here to be a part of.  I always had a general list in my mind with my husband and kids at the top of that list every time, but I wanted more specific things this time that I could check off once they were reached.

After a few minutes, I had come up with six things:

• Spending Christmas Day with my family

• Celebrating my friend Kristy's birthday

• Holding my friend Kristina’s baby

• Watching Garrett take his first steps

• Hearing Garrett say, “I love you” for the first time

• Having my Ensign article published

I wrote these notes down on my phone, so I could look back at them whenever I needed to remember my purpose in continuing to live for the next few months, and I did look at them often.  They became like six little lifelines that wound together to make a strong rope to hold onto as I attempted to claw my way out of the dark hole I had been thrown in and to reach my way back into the light. 

The other day, I found my list on my phone again and was so happy as I realized that I could check off each one.  I did it.  I saw and heard and was here for each one of these.  But it wasn’t just those.  Every moment portrayed in this video is a moment I was blessed to witness since last October, because I chose to stay.  Even more heart pricking is the thought that I would have missed these precious moments if I wouldn’t have held on.  Life has not been easy in the last year, and it continues to be a struggle today, but I’m here and I will continue to stay here for more moments like these.  Through medicine, counseling, and the support of my family and friends, I am finding hope and healing and have confidence in many happy days ahead.

If you are in your own “October,” please choose to stay.  Reach out for help.  Don’t try to do it alone.  You are loved, wanted, and needed, and will never know what beautiful moments you will miss out on if you don’t hold on.  It’s worth it.  It really is.

Published Article

 I’ve been keeping a little secret, and I’m so excited to finally be able to share!  I had an article published in two different places-- a worldwide magazine and a large website for mental health and other health challenges (see the links below).  It’s an article about how to pull someone out of the darkness of suicide, about how to love and respond and ultimately save a life.  

A little background story about this article and the online magazine publishing…

Last October, I wrote a blog post about how to help someone stay.  I knew I needed to share it, because maybe it could help someone else, but the thought of sharing something so personal from the lowest parts of my journey with depression made me feel very vulnerable.  After several days of attempting to ignore the persistent thought that I really needed to share the post, I finally worked up enough courage to do it.  My heart was racing and there was a huge pit in my stomach, but I shared it.  For the next several hours, I debated taking it down multiple times.  It just felt like this shameful part of me was exposed, and I wasn’t sure if that was okay yet.  

And then I got a few very specific comments and messages about how this post had helped someone else along with encouragement to share this with the world, and slowly the feelings of shame and fear started to leave and were replaced with peace.  I began to recognize that I didn’t need to be ashamed of the deep struggles I had faced, and pretty soon, I had the desire to spread this message even further.  

It has always been my belief that people genuinely want to help others, but unless they have been there themselves, they usually don’t know how.  I knew this article could be a powerful tool to help others know how to help, so I started thinking about how I could get it out there even more.

The next day, my friend Kelley Walker suggested that I submit my article to the Ensign magazine.  Immediately when she said that, I had such an incredible feeling in my heart that this was exactly what I needed to do.  I consulted with my talented friend Rachael Eliker who helped me edit and refine my article for submission, and after a few days, it was ready to go.  The submission page informed me that it could take years for my article to be published, so I clicked “submit” but didn’t expect to hear back for a long time, if ever at all.  

The next morning, less than 24 hours after submitting, I got an email saying that my article was approved for publication.  I cried as I called Kyle to tell him the news.  I was overcome with this humbling feeling that everything I had faced had a purpose, that my voice needed to be heard, and that Heavenly Father had given me this beautiful opportunity to help others through my experiences.

It still took some time to work through the publication process, but this month, my article was published.  You can check it out in either of these places (both are a little different based on the editing done by the publishers).  You are also welcome to share these if you think they could help someone you know.  

Ensign Magazine

The Mighty

***I recognize that suicide is a very tender subject for many of my friends.  Please know that if you have lost a loved one to suicide, you are not to blame.  ❤