October

 Last October was the worst month I have ever experienced.  Over the previous few years, I usually had a couple of -10s on my mood chart every month, representing the most intense suicidal lows, but that month, there were 25.  I was seemingly stuck in the darkest depths of depression imaginable and constantly wondered if I would ever get out.  Every day, I would tell myself that I had to stay for that day, but then I could give up the next day.  And then the next day, I would tell myself the same thing again.  Living more than one day at a time was impossible to comprehend in my state, so that was what it took to survive.  

One morning, I was sitting on my couch crying.  The tears wouldn’t stop, and neither would the persistent thoughts that I was not strong enough for this continuous battle.  I felt broken and feared that I was broken beyond repair.  Every part of my body hurt with my heart as I prayed that someday my mind would find relief.  

And then I got an idea.  I would make a list of things I had to look forward to in the next while, things that could make my life worth living just a little longer and that I wanted to make sure I was still here to be a part of.  I always had a general list in my mind with my husband and kids at the top of that list every time, but I wanted more specific things this time that I could check off once they were reached.

After a few minutes, I had come up with six things:

• Spending Christmas Day with my family

• Celebrating my friend Kristy's birthday

• Holding my friend Kristina’s baby

• Watching Garrett take his first steps

• Hearing Garrett say, “I love you” for the first time

• Having my Ensign article published

I wrote these notes down on my phone, so I could look back at them whenever I needed to remember my purpose in continuing to live for the next few months, and I did look at them often.  They became like six little lifelines that wound together to make a strong rope to hold onto as I attempted to claw my way out of the dark hole I had been thrown in and to reach my way back into the light. 

The other day, I found my list on my phone again and was so happy as I realized that I could check off each one.  I did it.  I saw and heard and was here for each one of these.  But it wasn’t just those.  Every moment portrayed in this video is a moment I was blessed to witness since last October, because I chose to stay.  Even more heart pricking is the thought that I would have missed these precious moments if I wouldn’t have held on.  Life has not been easy in the last year, and it continues to be a struggle today, but I’m here and I will continue to stay here for more moments like these.  Through medicine, counseling, and the support of my family and friends, I am finding hope and healing and have confidence in many happy days ahead.

If you are in your own “October,” please choose to stay.  Reach out for help.  Don’t try to do it alone.  You are loved, wanted, and needed, and will never know what beautiful moments you will miss out on if you don’t hold on.  It’s worth it.  It really is.