Hard Life Lesson

 Hard life lesson: Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to.

Three months ago, I went off my medicine to try to have one more baby to complete our family.  I knew that it would be hard, I knew that there was a possibility of it not working, and I knew that I would be heartbroken if not.  But I did it anyway.  I had been doing so well for a few months by that point that I *hoped* I could handle staying off long enough to get pregnant.  After three months and still no baby, I had lost 5 lbs. from not being able to eat much, I could hardly sleep anymore, some days I could barely function, and many days were a fight for life again.  I knew that my husband and kids wanted me more than they wanted another baby, so I decided to go back on the medicine.

At first, I was bitter and angry and hurt that things didn’t work out the way I desperately wanted, especially when I felt like I had given so much to try to make it work.  I felt like I had failed my family in every way.  My heart broke at the thought that we might never get that one more baby, especially after losing the last one, and I didn’t know if I could be okay with that.  While some parts of me still hurt so much right now, I’m following the wise advice of my friends, family, and counselor that I can try again later.  This isn’t the end.  I don’t know that I’ll ever understand the path my life has taken or why some things happen the way they do, but I’m trying to take more time to heal and to be content with my life as it is until I am ready to try one more time.