A few months ago, I was having a really hard time. Sometimes it's so hard for me to comprehend my struggle with depression persisting and how I will be able to handle it forever. It was one of those times when I didn't want to be here anymore, because life felt too overwhelming and scary. I was walking home from a youth activity and didn't know how to go home and face everything in my heart, so I kept walking. I knew the exercise couldn't be bad for me and I needed more time to think. At one point, I turned around and the colors of a vibrant sunset had begun to fill the sky. Along with seeing the beauty came this thought into my mind, "What if this was the last sunset you ever got to see? Wouldn't you miss having these moments?"
I've thought about this a lot recently. I don't know why I'm struggling so much right now, but I am. Life feels so overwhelming and scary again. I can't imagine reaching 30 years old, let alone as old as I will live. (I am definitely going to have a huge birthday party for myself when I finally reach 30 😂) But I can't let go of the thought that I would miss so many little moments if I didn't stay here. Not just beautiful sunsets and rainbows like the ones last night, but also little moments with my family-- seeing Garrett's delight when he gets into the firepit and makes a mess or finds a puddle in the middle of the sidewalk and decides to lay down in it; watching Kyle dance around in the kitchen with sawdust on the floor because we spilled a jar of grease or looking so cute counting with Garrett during a game of hide-and-go-seek; stopping our bike ride and getting in the splash pad in our clothes until we are dripping wet simply because wanted to; seeing Brooklyn's face light up when she sees a big puddle to splash in; watching Garrett's cute little legs move from behind as he rides his balance bike; seeing Garrett and Brooklyn together, helping and loving each other.
It's the little moments that I can't imagine missing and that I have to hold on for. I don't know what my future holds. I can't think about it. All I can think is that I'm here today, so I have to find at least one little moment that makes today worth it for me and be thankful for my people whose love carries me through the rest.
