"A semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to."
Our family makes the daily choice to continue together through whatever comes our way, no matter how hard or scary or heartbreaking. We have each other, and that gives us the strength to keep going.
#Continue
#Semicolon
#WeCanDoHardThings
#TogetherForever
When life throws me down, the first battle is choosing to take some little step to get back up. That first step is always the hardest, as the others seem to somehow follow once I can find the strength to begin trying to live again. Often times, this new beginning comes in being intentional about looking for things that make me smile. Here were some of mine for the week:
--Brooklyn and Garrett each saying the cutest little things, like Brooklyn telling me that she likes how preying mantis arms look like tacos and Garrett wrapping his blanket around his head and telling all of us that he is Santa now. 😍😂
--Making some crayon art with my kids and then having to google how to get melted wax out of... well... everything. We had fun 🤷♀️🙈
--Kyle and I both realizing that the only reason we planted green beans in our garden was because we thought the other one wanted them. Now we have lots of green beans and neither of us really want to eat them 😂
--Showing up to a church activity and matching shirts with the cutest little baby to snuggle. 😍
--Being in my young women class at church last Sunday and doing our usual going around and saying how our week was. I was first. I said, "My week was... greatttt" in a slightly sarcastic tone. We all laughed and it was so nice to be able to feel safe in that space and to be able to find humor even in struggle.
--Looking at my two copies of "Christmas with the Kranks" sitting on the shelf that I bought at a garage sale recently and thinking about how much I am going to enjoy watching that movie on repeat this winter. 😜
--My new counselor telling me that she does EMDR, which is something I had searched Google for in the last couple of months, hoping that it could help me.
--Working on a new piano song that is so peaceful and beautiful. I will definitely play it as a musical number in church when I'm ready.
--Getting an awesome deal on a gift for Brooklyn's birthday, because why wouldn't a great deal make me smile?! 😆
--Crossing the parking lot in front of a car that waved me across to put away my shopping cart, only to realize when I was walking back that I was parked right next to one. I looked awesome. 🤣
--My friend having an appointment with my same hormone specialist and switching me days so I can get in earlier.
--Finishing the CUTEST little crocheted bear. Something about creating brightens my world.
--Little moments of progress, like feeling my appetite coming back and seeing my weight return or conquering more moments of anxiety.
I'm winning, friends. Little by little, I'm winning, and it feels so good.
Warning: long post. I couldn't condense it anymore than this.
I originally thought this summer was going to be my summer to prove to myself how strong I am and how much I am still capable of doing. I had big plans-- camp with Kyle's family, camp with Kyle at Glacier, fly to Indiana by myself with my kids for my brother's wedding, go to girl's camp with my young women from church, be alone with my kids while Kyle went on a business trip for a week, and prepare to go off medicine to have one more baby.
Everything was going so well. We went camping with Kyle's family and had a great time. Then, Kyle and I went to Glacier and had a great time there too. But when we came home from Glacier, everything unexpectedly came crashing down. I think I metabolized my medicine too quickly with how active we were, and that, paired with all of our upcoming plans that pushed me far out of my comfort zone and the heartbreaking death of one of my best friend's husband, left me debilitated by anxiety.
I cancelled my plane tickets to Indiana, but the anxiety continued. I missed my friend's husband's funeral, tentatively cancelled going to girl's camp, and abandoned the idea of having another baby, but the anxiety only got worse. I couldn't shut off my body's fight or flight response. Eventually, it almost suffocated me, so Kyle took me to the hospital.
While in the hospital, I realized something so comforting. No, I didn't do everything I thought I would, and I didn't "prove" everything I wanted to prove, but I still grew.
I faced great fears-- going to the hospital (which scared me so much), being away from Kyle (I couldn't have any visitors in the hospital and he is my constant, safe person), and wearing a mask in the hospital (which has been a HUGE source of anxiety for me for a long time). I did all of that, proving to myself my strength and capability, as well as learning more about reaching out for help, knowing my limits, and adjusting accordingly. Most of all, I stayed here through a pain that was far beyond anything I have ever before experienced. I won another great battle in the war for my life with the help of so many good people, including my beautiful family.
While I'm heartbroken over all that happened and especially my clear inability to have another baby, I feel proud of myself for what I have overcome. I'm no longer afraid to go to the hospital again if I need another "reset," although I obviously hope not to need it. My husband and I have grown so much together in our knowledge about my mental struggles and in our love and support for each other. I'm working hard to find my peace again, and I feel a confidence in my ability to conquer the "impossible." I wanted SO badly for God to heal me and take away my pain, but instead, He gave me the tools and the people to help me fight and not give up.
Thank you again to everyone who has shown love and support to our family during such a challenging time. We feel incredibly blessed to know that we do not have to struggle through this life alone. Between an outpouring of meals, babysitting, anonymous packages, prayers, messages, and more hearts than we knew possible, we feel carried by your compassion. After going back to the hospital yesterday and getting a medicine to help me sleep, things are finally improving today. We hope this turning point will last and will lead us to better solutions for my health so we won't have to travel this difficult road again. Thank you to each of you for being part of my story! I wish I could thank you personally with a big hug.
I'm home now. I was greeted with this incredible view that left me completely speechless. Thank you, friends. My heart is filled with love. I will tell a little more about some things later, but for now, I have a family that needs snuggling.
#MissionPossibleWasASuccess
#ImSoBlessed
#ThankYou 😭
Friends, please pray for me. I am at the hospital again. I need all the prayers and love I can get.
