Overcoming Fears

Warning: long post.  I couldn't condense it anymore than this.

I originally thought this summer was going to be my summer to prove to myself how strong I am and how much I am still capable of doing.  I had big plans-- camp with Kyle's family, camp with Kyle at Glacier, fly to Indiana by myself with my kids for my brother's wedding, go to girl's camp with my young women from church, be alone with my kids while Kyle went on a business trip for a week, and prepare to go off medicine to have one more baby.

Everything was going so well.  We went camping with Kyle's family and had a great time.  Then, Kyle and I went to Glacier and had a great time there too.  But when we came home from Glacier, everything unexpectedly came crashing down.  I think I metabolized my medicine too quickly with how active we were, and that, paired with all of our upcoming plans that pushed me far out of my comfort zone and the heartbreaking death of one of my best friend's husband, left me debilitated by anxiety.

I cancelled my plane tickets to Indiana, but the anxiety continued.  I missed my friend's husband's funeral, tentatively cancelled going to girl's camp, and abandoned the idea of having another baby, but the anxiety only got worse.  I couldn't shut off my body's fight or flight response.  Eventually, it almost suffocated me, so Kyle took me to the hospital.

While in the hospital, I realized something so comforting.  No, I didn't do everything I thought I would, and I didn't "prove" everything I wanted to prove, but I still grew.

I faced great fears-- going to the hospital (which scared me so much), being away from Kyle (I couldn't have any visitors in the hospital and he is my constant, safe person), and wearing a mask in the hospital (which has been a HUGE source of anxiety for me for a long time).  I did all of that, proving to myself my strength and capability, as well as learning more about reaching out for help, knowing my limits, and adjusting accordingly.  Most of all, I stayed here through a pain that was far beyond anything I have ever before experienced.  I won another great battle in the war for my life with the help of so many good people, including my beautiful family.

While I'm heartbroken over all that happened and especially my clear inability to have another baby, I feel proud of myself for what I have overcome.  I'm no longer afraid to go to the hospital again if I need another "reset," although I obviously hope not to need it.  My husband and I have grown so much together in our knowledge about my mental struggles and in our love and support for each other.  I'm working hard to find my peace again, and I feel a confidence in my ability to conquer the "impossible."  I wanted SO badly for God to heal me and take away my pain, but instead, He gave me the tools and the people to help me fight and not give up.