Home

 Home just in time for pumpkin painting and a family movie 😍

Teddy Bear

A sweet friend gave me this bear since I’ve been in the hospital. It is so soft and snuggly. I cuddle it every night when I wish I could be cuddling my family. It brings me comfort in this hard time. 

I will still be in the hospital a while longer. We are trying to adjust depression, anxiety, and hormone medications. Today was the first good day I’ve had in a while. I know things are headed in the right direction because I have an appetite back and my will to live is returning. We still need to work on getting the anxiety under control, but I have hope that will happen in time. Thank you for all the prayers and service that are being given to our family right now.

Missing My Family

I miss these cheeks pressed up next to mine. Soon enough we will be together again and my smile will be back too.

Desperate

 One week in the hospital, and I'm tired and worn down with very little hope or fight left in me. I'm desperate for a solution. Keep praying one comes soon. 

#PuffyEyes

#CantStopCrying

#DepressionSucks

Text From Kyle

 My relationship with Kyle summarized in one text. I'm far from coming home yet, but my love for Kyle grows exponentially each day. He is my greatest blessing.

Hospital Round 2

 I’m in the hospital once again. It has been a long road, and it’s not over yet. I have to quarantine in a room by myself for 4 days. I am starting a new hormone treatment and praying that will help me. I have to hold onto hope that better days are still coming for me.

Big Week

 This next week is a big week for me. On Tuesday I have hormone labs, and I'm hoping they will show what is wrong and that the treatment will help and not make things worse. And then on Friday, I begin EMDR with my counselor to overcome the trauma from everything that has happened that continues to bring so much pain to my heart. 

The truth is, I'm terrified for all of this. It's difficult to put into words exactly what I feel, but the best word I can come up with is overwhelmed. I've never hoped so desperately that something will work for me while also being so afraid to have hope at all. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

Please keep my family and me in your prayers this week. We need whatever faith anyone has to offer. Better days have to be ahead. That's what I'm holding onto.

Lessons Learned

 Five years ago this month, I began to experience drastic swings between depression and anxiety. Five long years. It seems like a lifetime some days, especially recently as I'm still fighting to find stability again. But if there are two important things I've learned in the last five years, it's this:

1) How to say "no" when needed to protect my mental health (and not feel bad about it)

2) How to ask for help

The second one comes with a little story. In July of 2017, my brain had been sick with these mood swings for 9 long, hard months. I came home from an incredibly difficult day at church and cried to Kyle, "It has been 9 months and I still don't know how to handle this." What he replied has stuck with me ever since. He said, "What do you mean you don't know how to handle it? Of course you know how to handle it. You know that you need to ask for help." My whole mindset changed that day. I realized that I didn't have to handle this sometimes debilitating sickness on my own, because I could ask for help. That was how I could get through it.

And that is precisely how I have gotten through the last five years. I've found my people and asked for help when I've needed it. And then when I've gotten back to a place of stability, I have tried to be on the giving end.

I may not be thankful for the struggles I've had with my mental health, but these two lessons feel invaluable to me, and I'm thankful to have been able to learn them.