Finding Joy in Christmas Celebrations

Yesterday was honestly the worst day I've had in a long time.  I had been doing so well for almost 3 weeks with very minimal emotional struggle, and then this last weekend, it all piled up on me, and yesterday it came out in continuous tears for literally hours straight.  I hurt so much, even more than normal, because it's Christmas, and I felt like I was ruining my daughter's life.  I felt like I was failing at making Christmas a magical, beautiful time for her.  Instead of making cookies, doing big things for the "Light the World" campaign, making ornaments, or going to fun events, I was laying in bed crying, still wondering how I would get the dishes and laundry done, let alone anything beyond that.

I couldn't stop thinking about all the wonderful Christmas traditions different families have and how my daughter must deserve someone better than me.  Surely, she needed some other mom who could fill her life with warm memories and sweet traditions, something that I simply can't give her much of right now.

But as I was wallowing in my own self-pity and allowing my mind to follow a destructive course of thoughts, I remembered that Christmas isn't really about cookies or ornaments or those other fun things.  It's about the Savior and His incredibly simple birth that changed the world forever.  So while there is nothing wrong with having big or fun traditions, there's also nothing wrong with making Christmas a simple time focused on the perfect baby born in the humblest of circumstances and the JOY that His birth brought to this world.

While I still wished that I could do more, I also felt joy reflecting on how this darkness can be overcome by the Savior and how it's the weight and the burden of mental illness that has allowed me to see the light of Christ shining brighter in my life, especially at this special time of year. 

And then I thought of an idea.  I wanted to look for the word "JOY" in the many decorations used to remember the reason for this season and focus on that joy that can come through Christ.

First, I saw the new nativity we bought this year.  I am so in love with it, and the simple message it displays so perfectly.

Then, my daughter and I saw two more joyful decorations on the way to our friend Betty's house and outside of her room.

After that, we went to the store and found joy all around!

When we got home, I saw the two beautiful gifts that people gave me last year to help me remember JOY, including the bag that I used as our church bag last Sunday.

By this time, I still had tears in my eyes from the difficult day I had experienced, and I still needed my husband to come home early and hold me while he repeated to me the truths that my broken brain had forgotten, but I also felt peace and JOY swelling in my heart.  It suddenly felt okay that I can't do everything I want to do this Christmas.  It felt okay that I have to simplify my celebrations, which is blessing me to have a more focused celebration.  It felt okay that my daughter doesn't have another mom, because she loves and needs me, despite what I can't do at this time.

And then this morning, I received a beautiful, thoughtful, kind gift that warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face.  Someone sent me this shirt that says "Joy to the World."  She didn't know what an awful day I had yesterday.  She didn't know that I was on a quest to literally find "joy" to get me through the sorrows that wanted to take over my heart.  It was perfect and filled my heart with joy to the very top!  There really is joy in the world and in my life because of Christmas.

***I'm still on my search for joy, so if you see any joyful decorations, make sure to send a picture my way!!!