Good Days!

These last few days have been heavenly. I have felt so good, so much like myself again. I've thought several times, "I won't go back to where I was at. I won't let myself fall from this good place." But I know better than to believe that. It's not that I don't have hope or optimism or faith. It's that I know from experience that it's not healthy for me to think that I have somehow overcome this beast. The darkness will come again, and it's better for me to accept that rather than try to deny it. So instead of thinking that I've beat this once and for all, I'm simply savoring, thoroughly enjoying, and relentlessly giving thanks for every good day, hour, and moment while this lasts.

It's days like this when I am able to remember that good days always come after the darkness. It's worth holding on through the deepest pain. I'm doing better than I often think I am. I am loved and needed by my family. I can be a mom to another child in the future. All those lies (I'm not worthy, I'm worthless, I'm failing, I'm unlovable, I'm dumb) are indeed lies, and I can't let myself believe them when they scream at me for days or weeks at a time again.

I'm in such a good place right now, and I can see how much growth and progress has taken place in my life in the last year. This is a good thing, a very, very good thing! And it will continue to be a good thing, even when I am overcome with the burdens of mental illness again.