Today, I had a beautiful, sweet experience. It was quite simple, yet it had such a profound impact on my heart and has changed how I view this often difficult trial I have been called to face.
For the last 3 days, I have been stuck in the dark, terrible place I call "suicidal hell." This is when my mind is tormented every second of every day with the thought that I should not go on. It's when my brain is so broken that there is no possible way to distinguish what is true or real anymore. It's when I lay in bed nearly all day fighting this terrifying internal battle that shatters the most tender pieces of my heart with no relief to be found. For these 3 days, I was convinced that I had failed my family, that they needed and even deserved someone else who wasn't so broken and debilitated by this darkness, and that I had to give up. I simply couldn't see a way to go on, and I was desperate for an escape. I couldn't find the adequate words to describe the storm raging inside of me, so I held in the pain and prayed with all the faith I could muster that I would have enough strength to get through yet another battle in this great war for my life.
This morning, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but the pain was still unrelenting. I walked to a friend's house hoping the combination of exercise, fresh air, and company would help, but as soon as I got home, the thick darkness overcame me again, and I went straight to my bed to continue fighting. Over the next few hours, my mind and heart were overwhelmed with the weight of deep depression, and I was sure there was no relief to be found ever again. I kept trying to write texts to explain to someone the heavy burdens I was bearing alone and to maybe ask for help, but I could never find the strength to send any of them. Instead, I laid there wondering how this could be part of God's plan for my life and why He would allow my heart to go through so much pain with no lasting relief, despite all the prayers and fasting of my family the last several years.
As my mind continued to grow more and more weary in this fight, I started to think that maybe I needed to make a plan of escape once and for all. I simply couldn't keep doing this, so it seemed that there was no other option. I began to think of possible means when the thought came to my mind, "This isn't your choice to make." It took me back. Surely this thought had not come from the brokenness of my own mind. And then something clicked. I can pray and plead and wish for God to take me away, but ultimately, I have to have the faith and strength to submit to His will for my life, regardless of what that will is. It's not my choice to decide when I have had enough. It's not my choice to decide when I will leave this world. It's not my choice to decide when I will be healed at last, never to be broken in this way again.
The pain didn't leave immediately, but I suddenly felt peace and calm. It's not often that I feel Heavenly Father near me when I am severely depressed. This is usually devastating and heartbreaking to me, because it seems that the comfort of the Spirit is what I need most of all in those moments, and it's not there. But this time, I felt like this was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that although it's not time for this pain to be gone yet, He has not left me alone. For whatever reason that is still unknown to me, it is not His perfect plan for me to be miraculously healed at this time, even with the faith of me and my family and others who love and care about me. But for the first time in a very long time, I was able to have a small moment of inspiration that allowed me to feel God's love and mindfulness of me and to know that I am not destined to fail in this fight.
This has been a looooong ride, and I fear the dark days that will inevitably come in the future, but I know that if I can just remember that it isn't my choice to escape, then I will always be okay. I will fight and conquer every single episode of pain and darkness, and ultimately, I will win.
No comments:
Post a Comment