I Am Enough

Two months until Brooklyn's birthday. Two whole months, and I have already started worrying obsessively about making her birthday cake. Why? Because baking is beyond overwhelming when I'm depressed. Because I'm not good at it, so I know it will frustrate me. Because anxiety is my depression's best friend, and it knows no limits sometimes.

Today, I came up with a brilliant idea. I could pay someone else to make her cake. It would relieve the stress on me, she could have a beautiful mermaid cake after all, and everyone would be happy. As soon as I asked my friend and she agreed though, the guilty thoughts started to eat away at me. I suddenly felt like I was failing my kids, like they need someone else, someone more talented and fun and creative and energetic, the person I want to be and maybe could be if the burdens of depression didn't weigh so heavily on my heart so often.

Struggling with depression at this wonderful time in my kids' life is heartbreaking. But recently I've adopted the phrase "you are enough." I repeat it to myself over and over again every day. I trust in it, even when I'm bombarded with thoughts and doubts that tell me otherwise. I tell myself that this is how God sees me and how He wants me to see myself.

Do I feel like enough? Hardly ever. But I keep trusting and believing and trying, and that is enough.