Halloween

I'm not going to lie. Life has been extremely overwhelming lately. The littlest things feel almost impossible to accomplish every day, and many days have been a harsh fight for life.

As things continued to get worse and as Halloween came closer and closer, I finally accepted the fact that I couldn't make cute Halloween costumes and I couldn't coordinate our family to have some fun theme this year. In some ways, this was and still is incredibly frustrating to me, because it's something I've always loved and enjoyed doing with my family. But when I went to the thrift store to buy whatever random costumes were left, I reassured myself that this is really a win, a huge mental health win. I'm taking care of myself and my family all at the same time in the best way that I know how given my current circumstances. I'm succeeding by recognizing my limits and adjusting accordingly.

I really hope to be more motivated and able to enjoy things like this again next year, but if not, I will remind myself then just like I remind myself now that ultimately my family needs me, and if that means letting go of some things to relieve stress and anxiety and exhaustion, then that is what I will do.

Not to mention, how cute are my little witch and Dumbo?! 😍

How to Help Someone Stay

14 times.

14 times something in my brain has snapped, and I have suddenly and painfully thought that I could not go on.  Each one of these times has added to the pain and trauma built up in my heart now, and yet, each one has been filled with life-saving miracles.  Unfortunately, 9 of these 14 times have been in the last 10 months.  One of the most common questions people ask me when they find out that this has been my struggle is "what can I do to help?" either in reference to me or their loved one going through similar challenges.  So I thought I could share this very vulnerable post about the most helpful things people have done for me or said to me that have given me the strength to stay.

1. Check on their immediate safety.  First and foremost, when I have reached out for help (I almost always do this by text), people have responded quickly by checking on my immediate safety.  They've done this by asking questions like: "Are you alone right now?"  "Are you thinking of doing something?"  "Can I call and talk to you?"  These important questions can allow the person I have entrusted with my deepest darkness to evaluate what is going on and decide if they need to intervene.

2. Make sure they are not alone.  If I am alone in these weak moments, people have stepped in to make sure that I am no longer alone, either by coming to my house to sit with me or by picking me up to be with them.  This is SO important, as being alone only causes the thoughts and feelings to get worse until they seem unbearable.  I literally cannot get through these moments on my own.

3. Express love.  It's difficult to emphasize enough how important this is.  Do you know how the three simple words "I love you" translate to my broken brain?  They speak to me and say, "I need you and want you to stay.  If you were gone, I would hurt, so please hold on."  These words give me strength and add to my ability to endure just a little longer.

4. Promise them that it will get better.  In my darkest moments, I am entirely blinded by the depression.  It feels like I am forever stuck in that broken place, like my world will never see light again and my heart will never heal.  Reminding me that there is hope, that how I feel in the present moment is not how I will feel forever, gives me something to hold onto again.  I can't comprehend at that time that things can possibly get better, but I can trust in someone else's hope for me.  

5. Give warm hugs.  That kind of physical contact brings immediate comfort to my aching heart.  The comfort doesn't last, but while I am wrapped up in someone else's arms, I feel safe.  The overpowering sorrow and fear subside for a small moment.

6. Help meet their physical needs.  It seems so obvious when I feel well that eating, drinking, sleeping, etc. are necessary for mental stability, but when everything in my world is falling, these important needs are difficult to meet.  My husband makes me food.  He reminds me to drink water.  He helps me do the things that are necessary for a good night's sleep, including helping me have access to sleep aids when needed.  These things are all so directly tied to mental health.  It's hard to have the strength to fight when my physical needs are being neglected, because I am too overwhelmed and tired to do these things on my own.

7. Repeat, "I won't stop loving you.  You are not burdening me."  This last while in particular, I have been paralyzed by the fear that I am going to lose everyone who has ever loved me by asking for help or telling them about this struggle.  It is terrifying when this happens, because I desperately need love, but I am often so afraid of losing the love of those closest to me by sharing my burdens with them.  I know it doesn't make sense, but I don't think I can ever hear enough in those hardest times that I am not going to lose everyone around me by asking for help.

8. Be available to listen and talk.  When I am surrounded by darkness, there are a million thoughts swirling around in my mind, and they continue swirling until I can tell someone about them.  Sometimes just hearing myself say what is on my mind allows me to recognize that it is not rational.  Other times, it is in the response the person makes that I can find clarity and peace.

9. Remind them that they only need to take things day by day or minute by minute.  This is hard to explain, because it simply doesn't make sense, but when I am severely depressed, I cannot stay in the present moment no matter how hard I try.  Everything, and I mean everything, big or small that I have to do in the near or far future fills my mind all at once, and it is understandably overwhelming.  Having someone remind me to let go of all of those things pressing on my mind relieves some of that stress until I feel better and can handle life again.

10. Have them promise you that they will stay and will continue reaching out.  Promises are powerful, even in my broken world.  Saying out loud, "I promise I won't do anything" brings incredible strength.  It's honestly very hard to say those words in the most difficult moments, because it doesn't really feel like a promise I can keep, but once I say it, I know I have to hold on.  I know I can't break my promise.  One of the best promises I have ever made is the promise to reach out to 3 people when I feel like my world has crashed.  That promise has saved me, especially in this last very difficult year.

11. Help them get the help they need, including going to the hospital if necessary.

12. Share your confidence in their ability to stay.  Some of the most helpful things people have shared with me in my darkest moments have been their expressions of confidence in my ability to endure this heartbreaking pain without giving up.  One time, someone said to me, "You have been to the lowest point multiple times before and you got back up every one of those times.  You can do that this time as well."  Another time, I was promising someone that I would reach out before doing anything.  They simply replied, "You won't do anything.  You've got this."  That confidence gives me strength.  It helps me recognize that I am stronger than this depression, and I can win.

13. Remind them that you would be sad if they were gone.  I know that might be uncomfortable to say, but for me, it helps me think outside of myself for just a moment and to remember those I love the most and how hurt they would be if I were gone.

14. Help them recognize that healing is ALWAYS possible.  Honestly, sometimes it feels like I have gone too far or I've struggled too much and can't come back from this.  One of the most comforting things someone has ever said to me was, "You haven't gone too far.  You can't go too far if you're still here."  I think of that often now, especially when the lies in my mind tell me that I am too broken to heal.

3 Years

Three years ago today, something happened that instantly changed my life forever. I remember it so perfectly to this day. I'm sure I will never be able to forget as it is etched so deeply into my memory. It was evening, Brooklyn was already in bed asleep, and Kyle and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. All of a sudden, something powerful overcame me. It was the most painful thing I could ever imagine as an indescribably intense darkness gripped my heart and flooded my mind. I ran to my room and fell to my knees sobbing. I was beyond scared as I couldn't understand what was happening to me. Kyle followed me to our room and wrapped his arms around me as I clung to his shirt so tightly and continued sobbing. I couldn't explain to him how I felt, and that terrified me. I felt completely alone in that moment. No one could get inside my heart to feel it with me, and thus began my often frighteningly lonely journey with bipolar disorder.

At first, I was desperate for a solution. I couldn't foresee this problem lasting any amount of time, so I was willing to do anything to find lasting relief. The more time that went by, the worse the cycling got and the more I realized that this wasn't going to be an easy fix. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father to answer my desperate pleas for healing, but nothing happened. No one could figure out how to help me. This last year has been the hardest, most faith-testing, soul-stretching year of my life as things have progressively gotten worse, and I have often wondered how it is possible to survive something so painful. Last week happened to be the darkest, longest week we've had yet, and it breaks my heart to imagine how much more we will have to endure.

This next Monday, I have hormone labs, and I am pulling together all the faith I can find to believe that this will lead to a solution. I know I will be devastated if it doesn't, so I have to believe that it will. As hard as it has been to face this trial of my faith, I have literally seen miracles over the last 3 years, people who have come into my life at precisely the time I needed them, fleeting moments of clarity that have given me the strength to continue fighting, powerful examples of love and ministering that have saved me from this brokenness, and even opportunities to bless the lives of others through my increased understanding and compassion. I am a different person today than I was three years ago, but I like to believe that I have grown and changed for the better.

Opening Up

“When we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone.” ~Reyna Aburto

This quote really struck me tonight. I've hesitated being very open recently, mostly because we just moved, and it's hard to be open and honest when I first meet people, because I want people to see me as I am. I don't want to be defined by depression, as it is just one part of me. But this quote gave me strength as I remembered how sharing my story in the past has given me the ability to connect and relate to people in such a beautiful way, and it can do that again if I can just be brave enough to share.

The truth is, I am struggling. There I said it. Not only is my depression back in full force after losing all of my happy pregnancy hormones and especially with winter coming closer every day, but this year I am dealing with a lot of trauma from how hard the last winter was. Few people know the extent of how much I struggled last winter, but I can oversimplify it to say that things have never been that difficult before and that miracles literally saw us through. I've spent a good portion of this last week crying alone in my closet or at a friend's house, and I'm forever thankful for the people Heavenly Father has placed in my life to bless me on my dark days. As much as it hurts and as hard as it may get, I'm holding onto faith. Faith in better days to come, faith in God's perfect plan for me, and faith that I can be strong enough to win this fight.

If you are struggling too, just know that you are not alone. You are loved. You are needed. You can do really really hard things. I am here. That's one of the beautiful blessings of struggling through this myself. I can be a safe place for anyone who needs someone to confide in. There really is hope. There is always hope.

Hormone Doctor

Today was my first appointment with the hormone doctor. After hearing my story and my medical and pregnancy history he said, "Well, your last doctor sounds like an amazing and wise doctor, and your husband sounds like a very very patient man." He couldn't be more right. I brought in my crazy tracker charts which make it very obvious that hormones are involved. He is confident that there will be a solution to this. I have some labs at the end of the month, and then based on those results, he will decide what direction to go next. I feel so much hope I could burst. I think my crazy days are coming to an end.