3 Years

Three years ago today, something happened that instantly changed my life forever. I remember it so perfectly to this day. I'm sure I will never be able to forget as it is etched so deeply into my memory. It was evening, Brooklyn was already in bed asleep, and Kyle and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. All of a sudden, something powerful overcame me. It was the most painful thing I could ever imagine as an indescribably intense darkness gripped my heart and flooded my mind. I ran to my room and fell to my knees sobbing. I was beyond scared as I couldn't understand what was happening to me. Kyle followed me to our room and wrapped his arms around me as I clung to his shirt so tightly and continued sobbing. I couldn't explain to him how I felt, and that terrified me. I felt completely alone in that moment. No one could get inside my heart to feel it with me, and thus began my often frighteningly lonely journey with bipolar disorder.

At first, I was desperate for a solution. I couldn't foresee this problem lasting any amount of time, so I was willing to do anything to find lasting relief. The more time that went by, the worse the cycling got and the more I realized that this wasn't going to be an easy fix. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father to answer my desperate pleas for healing, but nothing happened. No one could figure out how to help me. This last year has been the hardest, most faith-testing, soul-stretching year of my life as things have progressively gotten worse, and I have often wondered how it is possible to survive something so painful. Last week happened to be the darkest, longest week we've had yet, and it breaks my heart to imagine how much more we will have to endure.

This next Monday, I have hormone labs, and I am pulling together all the faith I can find to believe that this will lead to a solution. I know I will be devastated if it doesn't, so I have to believe that it will. As hard as it has been to face this trial of my faith, I have literally seen miracles over the last 3 years, people who have come into my life at precisely the time I needed them, fleeting moments of clarity that have given me the strength to continue fighting, powerful examples of love and ministering that have saved me from this brokenness, and even opportunities to bless the lives of others through my increased understanding and compassion. I am a different person today than I was three years ago, but I like to believe that I have grown and changed for the better.