Home

One year ago, we packed up our little apartment, left all of our Iowa friends and the comfort of a place we had called home behind, and traveled across the country to make a new home. I cried much of the three days and nights we drove as the anxiety of making new friends and adjusting to a new place felt overwhelming. I prayed a lot in those three days (actually it was just a continuation of many prayers I had prayed in the last month since finding out we were moving) that there would be people prepared to help our family face the darkness of depression that was just beginning to surround me again after delivering Garrett. I felt fear and loneliness as I wondered once again if anyone could love someone in a situation like mine. I worried that no one would understand me or care about me or be available to wrap me in their arms when my heart felt like it was breaking.

But I moved forward in faith knowing that this had felt right when the opportunity first presented itself and that Heavenly Father was aware and would take care of me and my family.

Little did I know at that time what wonderful people Heavenly Father had prepared for us-- people who would listen to countless hours of me explaining what my mind and heart felt, people who would ask questions because they really wanted to understand, people who would drop anything to sit with me while my world was dark, people who would repeat to me as many times as I needed to hear it that this struggle does not make me any less loved, people who would wrap me in their arms and cry with me when there were no words to say, people who would help me get the medical help I desperately needed, and people who would save me in the hardest year I have ever experienced. It brings me to tears when I think of the selfless service and kindness that has been shown to our family in the last year.

And now this place is home.

Enjoy the Good

Every time I am manic (which is usually once a month for a day or two, maybe even a few if we are lucky🤞) Kyle says, "We know the next 24 hours will be good. What do we want to do with them?" I love having him by my side to spontaneously make the most of the good days and to help me get through the ugly days. We'll have to see what wonderful adventures tonight holds for us. I'm sensing a random trip to the thrift store to celebrate 😂
#EnjoyTheGood #SoHappyTogether #ThriftStoresRock #ManiaRocksMore

My Birthday

The days and weeks leading up to my birthday, I cried a lot. I didn't want that day to come. It felt like this painful reminder that it's been another year and I'm still not better, that I am still so young and overwhelmingly have so much life ahead of me yet to live, and that this used to be one of the most exciting days of the year but I am different now.

Despite all of the worrying and sadness leading up to it, yesterday was quite possibly the best day of the last year. I literally felt showered in love. I felt the warmth of so much friendship surrounding me and lifting me up. I felt like I could have a new start for my life, like I could build on the brokenness of the last while and make sense of some things again.

The best part of it all though was that I had my appointment with the hormone doctor after getting lab results back, and it was incredibly hopeful. It's going to take some time and tweaking to figure out how much supplementing I need, but he is confident that he knows what the problem is and that there are very good days ahead.

Also, I was too busy soaking in the day yesterday, so this is the only picture I got. 😂 Thanks to everyone who made me feel special and loved. I can't really describe how much it meant to me.

What Makes Life Worth Living

This last month has been the hardest month of depression I've ever experienced. The days are long as I fight every day to find the hope and strength to continue living. Often as I am laying flat on my back in bed trying to survive until Kyle can get home, the thought slowly creeps into my mind, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it to go through so much heartache and bitter pain only for fleeting, intermittent moments of light? Is it worth it to put in the effort it takes to heal from where my heart and mind have been? Is it worth it to keep trying, knowing that things aren't better yet so this isn't the last time I'll be in this dark, painful place?" When these questions arise, I make it my mission to find what makes life worth living. It's taken a lot of effort to find it this last month, but the glimmers of hope have been there as I've tried to focus on looking for them.

--My family will forever be my main reason to hold on. Loving them and being loved by them makes my life worth living, even when it is difficult. They bear my burdens with me and make them lighter, like this last weekend when Kyle got our whole house cleaned. My family has always given me a reason to feel loved and needed, and they are willing to do anything to help me stay.
--Garrett is 16 months old and has struggled with learning to talk. We have been working with a speech therapist for the last 3 months, and this week, he said, "uh oh" for the first time. Since then, he has been trying to make more sounds too. Hearing his sweet, sweet voice made me feel that it was worth it to be there for that one beautiful moment.
--A few weekends ago, we took a hike as a family. I was really really struggling that day, so I decided to focus my time on looking for little beautiful things around me. It helped me remember that there is beauty all around me and that the darkness of depression can't take away my ability to find it.
--One morning, I was crying while making my kids breakfast. I couldn't comprehend how I was going to get through that day. I looked out our window and there was the most beautiful sunrise right in front of me. I suddenly felt this peaceful feeling that Heavenly Father was aware of me and wanted me to know that I wasn't alone.

I don't understand why things happen the way they do sometimes or why my heart has been allowed to be broken in this way, but I do know that it will always be worth it to hold on. I am determined to do whatever it takes to win this fight. And thankfully I never have to do it alone.