What Makes Life Worth Living

This last month has been the hardest month of depression I've ever experienced. The days are long as I fight every day to find the hope and strength to continue living. Often as I am laying flat on my back in bed trying to survive until Kyle can get home, the thought slowly creeps into my mind, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it to go through so much heartache and bitter pain only for fleeting, intermittent moments of light? Is it worth it to put in the effort it takes to heal from where my heart and mind have been? Is it worth it to keep trying, knowing that things aren't better yet so this isn't the last time I'll be in this dark, painful place?" When these questions arise, I make it my mission to find what makes life worth living. It's taken a lot of effort to find it this last month, but the glimmers of hope have been there as I've tried to focus on looking for them.

--My family will forever be my main reason to hold on. Loving them and being loved by them makes my life worth living, even when it is difficult. They bear my burdens with me and make them lighter, like this last weekend when Kyle got our whole house cleaned. My family has always given me a reason to feel loved and needed, and they are willing to do anything to help me stay.
--Garrett is 16 months old and has struggled with learning to talk. We have been working with a speech therapist for the last 3 months, and this week, he said, "uh oh" for the first time. Since then, he has been trying to make more sounds too. Hearing his sweet, sweet voice made me feel that it was worth it to be there for that one beautiful moment.
--A few weekends ago, we took a hike as a family. I was really really struggling that day, so I decided to focus my time on looking for little beautiful things around me. It helped me remember that there is beauty all around me and that the darkness of depression can't take away my ability to find it.
--One morning, I was crying while making my kids breakfast. I couldn't comprehend how I was going to get through that day. I looked out our window and there was the most beautiful sunrise right in front of me. I suddenly felt this peaceful feeling that Heavenly Father was aware of me and wanted me to know that I wasn't alone.

I don't understand why things happen the way they do sometimes or why my heart has been allowed to be broken in this way, but I do know that it will always be worth it to hold on. I am determined to do whatever it takes to win this fight. And thankfully I never have to do it alone.