Where Was God?

 My biggest question in the last 42 days since going to the hospital has been "where was God?" Where was God when a most excruciating and indescribable pain seized my heart and wouldn't let go? Where was God when I cried out for relief and hope, but it seemed those prayers went unheard and unanswered? Where was God when the pain became more than any human should have to bear and continued intensifying until it threatened to take me away from my husband and kids? Where was God when I was searching for any bit of peace and there was none to be found? 

I don't have the answer to these questions, and maybe I never will, but I have to wonder if I've seen glimpses of God in the last 42 days, even though they've been far different than what I imagined or wanted. I desperately wanted God to take away the pain, but instead I think I saw Him in the form of my husband who met me along the side of the road, grabbed my numb hands, and took me to the hospital and has continued to endure this hell with me everyday since. I think I saw Him in the kind nurses and therapists at the hospital who shared their love with me and helped me find glimmers of hope in those incredibly difficult days. I'm pretty sure I've seen Him in the friends who have watched my kids and spent time with me to help me through until things get better. I have felt something of His love through the love of my bishop who has given time to help me keep my faith burning and my young women who hold such a special place in my heart. I've seen Him working through my amazing counselor and the hormone specialist and the people at the crisis center who are helping me find my peace again.

I have to admit that I don't understand why God won't take away this pain and make it all better, but I think maybe He's been here all along.