Life Isn't Fair

I see these memories pop up and every time my heart physically aches and tears automatically well up in my eyes. I can't help but question why? Why does our family have to end here? I wanted so badly to prove to myself that my broken body was still capable of producing life. I wanted to announce our sweet double rainbow baby and finally get to celebrate a pregnancy that wouldn't end in miscarriage. I wanted to feel the miracle of life growing inside my body again. I wanted to snuggle my newborn close and smell that sweet, fresh smell. I even thought having another baby could help heal some of the parts of my heart that hurt so terribly because the innocence of a new life seemed to have the potential to soften past pains. I don't mean to complain or sound pessimistic. I'm just expressing the human emotions that come with unmet expectations and dreams. I never thought half of my pregnancies would not make it. I never thought our family would end at two. So while I'm thankful for my two beautiful kids, there's still a piece of me that feels like it's missing, and that gap may never be filled.

But if there's one thing I've learned in the last few years, it's that life isn't fair for anyone. It isn't fair that we had to lose two babies and can't have anymore, but it's also not fair for someone else that they don't get to have the supportive marriage that I have. It's not fair that I have struggled with severe depression for so many years, but it's not fair for someone else that they don't have a home or the financial security that I have. The list could go on and on. Nothing about life is fair, so we feel the pain and hurt, and then we go on, helping each other through our own unique unfairness. I'm certainly thankful for the people who have helped me through mine.