One Month

 One month since being released from the hospital and this is a little update on things:

--I've learned so much about PMDD recently. Only about 3% of women with PMDD have bothersome enough symptoms to seek help for them. 1% of those 3% have severe enough symptoms to require hospitalization. In all of her years of working with patients with PMDD, Charlotte has only seen a few patients with symptoms more severe than mine. When I met with her this last week, she said that my case is very rare, but she is confident that she can treat it. It will just take time and some experimenting to reach our perfect medication regimen. I am trying to be patient and trust Charlotte's expertise to get me there. 

--I started EMDR with my counselor yesterday, and it was extremely painful. It is incredibly difficult having to "relive" the memories of the trauma I've experienced from all these years of great struggle and to work on processing them. Most of all, it brings out the fear in me that this could happen again. I pray with all my heart that it doesn't.

--The more it soaks in that we will not be able to have any more babies because of the severity of my condition, the more my heart breaks. Sometimes it feels so unfair, and I have to fight off the bitterness that comes with our reality. I am happy for others, but my heart also aches for my own family, and trying to balance out those emotions is difficult. I've been especially sad that we had to lose two babies in the process. I still don't understand why that had to happen. I'm so thankful that I have two healthy kids who allow me to be a mom and who will forever fill the holes in my heart.

--We have experienced many happy moments as a family in the last month, and I'm so thankful. While everything isn't magically better and there are still difficult days, I cherish the chance to do things with my family and to build memories that I wasn't sure I would ever be able to build again.

--Kyle is a saint. He has done so much to help me grow and work my way back into normal life, while stepping in to do more when I'm having rough days like today. Having him is such a great blessing.