August 1

August 1st.  A day that is seared into my memory forever.  A day that just the thought of it coming again this year brought incredible fear.  A day that I dreaded and wished it wouldn't have to come at all.

The day last year that I left my family because I was in so much pain and didn't know how to go on, the day that Kyle somehow broke through the darkness and took me to get help, the day that I went to the hospital for the first of three times in four months, the day that I felt like I was living in a nightmare and could never be okay again, the day that my life felt shattered and irreparably broken forever.

At the beginning of this summer, I was completely terrified for that day to come.  I cried to a friend explaining how I was feeling, and she suggested planning something fun for the day, so I had something to look forward to instead of being so afraid.  I loved that idea, so Kyle took the day off work, and we made plans to kayak the Coeur d'Alene River together as a family.

Last week, I cried every day.  I woke up every morning with my feet shaking in terror.  I felt like I was constantly reliving all the pain of everything I can remember from July to November of last year (I actually can't remember chunks of time and some of it is just a blur like an actual nightmare).  Most of all, I remembered August 1st.  It felt like if that day came, everything that happened last year would happen again, and I wouldn't be able to handle it this time.  I remembered details of things that I hadn't thought about in such a long time and remembered new things that had previously been blocked from my memory.  I tried to keep reminding myself that it was just a day like any other day, that I'm doing so much better now than I was, that we have so many more tools in our toolbelt than we did before, but still the trauma seemed to overpower me.

And then today came.  We spent the whole day together as a family.  We had such a great time swimming, exploring, kayaking, and finding the beauty all around us.  As scared as I was leading up to this day, I knew that if I could make it through, it would be one more triumphant moment in my journey of healing.  I still have a long way to go and more to overcome, but today was a really good day.