Doing Hard Things

 If I had to name this chapter of my life, it would probably be "Doing Hard Things." But each hard thing I do adds to my list of things I am slowly overcoming and how I am healing.

Yesterday in counseling, we talked about the things that happened between July 16th and August 5th last year. Things that have been haunting me this last while and that have brought back such strong emotions and memories.

We talked about Glacier National Park. How it was when my husband and I got home from that wonderful week that everything broke. For so long last year, I wondered what it was about Glacier that caused this to happen. Did I not get enough sleep that week and that caused me to collapse emotionally? Was I too physically active and that somehow affected a certain vitamin level or the effectiveness of my medicine or something else that caused such a strong intensity of anxiety coming home? Did I not eat enough food or drink enough water and that led to those fateful months? What was it about Glacier that made all of this happen? Because in my mind, they were surely connected.

Now I can recognize some huge triggers, along with months of less intense anxiety before that was slowly wearing me down, that I believe caused everything to spiral down the way it did. But I still have had such a strong connection in my mind to Glacier and the subsequent anxiety/depression that led to so many hospitalizations and trauma. 

I have avoided looking at pictures or really remembering the beautiful trip to Glacier at all, because it has been too painful. But yesterday, we decided it was time for me to remember, time for me to help my mind disconnect what happened in Glacier as the cause of all the following pain, which meant finally looking at the pictures of that week and remembering all the good. 

I did it. I looked. At first it hurt so bad seeing our carefree happiness and all the incredible beauty, not knowing what was just around the corner. It hurt seeing how something so good could be followed by the most painful experience of my life just 2 weeks later.  

But it was also healing.  Remembering what felt like the most magical week.  Remembering how incredible it was to see the most beautiful sights with my favorite person in the whole world.  Remembering how we connected and grew closer being together for that time alone without our kids.  Remembering so many little details that simply brought joy.

It's going to take time to overcome the pain, but for now, I'm making the conscious choice to remember the good.