Birdie's Pies

 LOCAL FRIENDS!!!  The generous owners of the cutest pie shop in town, Birdie's Pie Shop, made this beautiful specialty pie and are giving the entire proceeds from the sales of this pie to my Christmas Socks for Hope project. Their generosity and kindness blow me away! The pies feature semicolons and hearts to stand for suicide prevention month.  I tried the pie this morning and it is beyond delicious!!  Be sure to stop by sometime this week to support their shop and my project.  And if you want, please share this post to help it reach more local friends.  It may seem like a small thing, but I know these socks and messages are warming feet and hearts.

How I Feel

 Things I have been hungering for people to know about how I've been feeling.  Not for a pity party or sympathy.  Just so people can know where I'm at and for me to relieve the heavy burden on my heart from feeling like I have to hide what is going on in my world right now.

--I feel alone.

--I feel unlovable.

--I feel incredibly scared of being vulnerable because of the fear of how it might be received.

--I feel like a huge burden.  

--I feel like I am losing everyone around me because of this ongoing struggle.

--I feel this heavy conflict of trying to love myself as I am now and not long for the person I used to be and want so bad to be again.

--I wonder if anyone can truly understand what I am feeling and experiencing, especially when there aren't often the adequate words to describe it.

--I feel like a shell of who I once was.

--I worry that I am beyond healing.

--I feel like it takes so much effort to smile and have fun.  I'm willing to make the effort, but I don't want it to be confused as me being okay.  It often feels fake or forced, but I'm trying my hardest to make it real again.

Like I said before, this is not a call for attention or sympathy.  I simply need people to know.  Kyle feels great confidence that God knows and loves me even as I am and that this will improve.  I am holding onto his confidence and having faith that he is right.

Once again, photo credit to the amazing Brooklyn.  She's going to be a professional photographer before I know it.

Happily Ever After

Us then and now.  9 years later.  9 years of growing more in love with each other every day.  9 years of working through heart wrenching challenges together.  9 years of hiking and chasing sunsets and looking for beautiful new places to explore together.  It's hard to remember what life was like before we had each other, and I'm thankful it feels that way.  

I've been really emotional lately.  This morning, I cried to Kyle that when we were married, it seemed like that should have been the start of our "happily ever after," but now it's hard to know what happily ever after even means.  In pure Kyle wisdom, he said, "True happiness comes through struggle, so that means we are living our happily ever after."  I realized that our relationship is rock solid, BECAUSE of the tears we've shed, the heartfelt prayers we have prayed, and the heavy trials we have faced hand in hand.  Our life together is nothing like what I imagined it would be, but our love is sweeter than what I ever imagined it could be.  

#WeWereBabies 

#OurUniqueHappilyEveryAfter

#TeamAveryForever 

#EternitySoundsSoGood

Seeing God in the Pain

Last Friday, Saturday, and Monday, three separate things happened that led to a bout of severe depression on Tuesday, the same day we left for camping for a few days at Lionhead.  We got there, and I was so sad.  I had such little energy.  I just wanted to sit in my chair on the beach and cry while I watched my family play and have fun.  In the evenings after getting our kids to bed, Kyle and I would sit around the fire and talk while I cried, but the depression still wouldn't break.  On the evening of the second night, there was the most BEAUTIFUL sunset, and it suddenly lit this fire inside of me.  I pulled out my camera for the first time that trip and began trying to capture the beauty.  Then that night there were the most incredible stars lighting up the whole entire sky.  And the next day there were beautiful trees, rocks, and water.  It all kept filling my cup until I was able to fully enjoy the rest of the time I had with my family.  I will never understand why things happen the way they do, and I will probably never be thankful to feel such deep emotions, but I will always be thankful for the little moments when I think I see God in the pain.  This was one of those powerful moments.  (Not to leave out Kyle and all of his patient kindness when I am struggling.)